Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my shape to keep. Please
no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt before it
sags. Please no age spots Please no gray As for my belly, please take it
away. Please keep me healthy Please keep me young, And thank you Dear
Lord For all you've done.
__________________________
Five tips for a woman...
1. It is important to find a man with a job & who helps around
the house
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to
you.
4. It is important to find a man who loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't find out about each
other.
___________________
Seen in my kitchen at one time or another :
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
I'm creative you can't expect me to be neat too!
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ADJUST!
Ring Bell for Maid Service If no answer Do It Yourself!
I clean house every other day Today is the other day!
If you write in the dust.. PLEASE don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week ( too bad you missed it! )
A clean kitchen is ...the sign of a wasted life.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
______________
APOLOGY
Although you'll find our house a mess
Come in Sit down Converse
It doesn't always look like this
Some days it's even worse.
_____________
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen ..and this kitchen is delirious.
If we are what we eat, then the folks in this house are easy, fast, and
cheap
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
A clean house is a sign of a mis-spent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean EAT OUT!!
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen
and gone on to lead
normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane but I am married to a speed bump.
____________________
HOME RULES
If you sleep on it ... make it up.
If you wear it ... hang it up.
If you drop it ... pick it up.
If you eat out of it ... put it in the sink.
If you step in it ... wipe it off.
If you open it ... close it.
If you empty it ... fill it up.
If it rings ... answer it.
If it howls ... feed it.
If it cries ... love it!
_________________________
Women are not supposed to snore, burp, or pass gas: Therefore we must bitch or
we will blow up
_______________________
PREGNANCY
ISSUES
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q:
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A:
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q:
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A:
Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A:
Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q:
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
again?
A:
When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby
after 35?
A:
No, 35 children is enough.
______________________
>
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
>
> 9 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN
ISSUES"
>
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
>
> 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese
omelet.
>
> 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your
jeans.
>
> 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to
everything you say.
>
> 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up
every bumper sticker that says:
"How's my driving-call 1-800-***-"
>
> 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to
batting-practice.
>
> 7. You can't believe they don't make a tampon
bigger than Super Plus.
>
> 8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive
you crazy.
>
> 9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought
it yesterday.
>
>
>
>
>
> TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
>
>
>
> 10.Cats' facial expressions.
>
> 9. The need for the same style of shoes in
different colors.
>
> 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
>
> 7. Fat clothes.
>
> 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your
best time.
>
> 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream,
off-white, and eggshell.
>
> 4. Cutting your fringe to make it grow.
>
> 3. Eyelash curlers.
>
> 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever
made.
>
>
>
> AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
>
>
>
> 1. OTHER WOMEN
>
>
>
> Send this to five bright
_______________________
The Real Story of The Three Bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl, and it is empty. "Somebody's been eating my
Porridge!!," he roars.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. "Somebody's been eating MY porridge!!",
he squeaks, "and they ate it all up. !!!"
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
It was Momma Bear who got up first,
It was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house,
It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee,
It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away,
It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold to fetch the
newspaper,
It was Momma Bear who set the table,
It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the
cat's water and food dish,
It was Momma Bear who made the bag lunches.
And, now that you've decided to drag your sorry selves downstairs with your
grumpy presence ........ listen
up, cause I'm only going to say this one more time . . .
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE %$#& PORRIDGE YET !!"
_____________________________
Continuing Education Courses for Women
( Designed by an all male curriculum development department)
----------------------------------------
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
Time Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After
the Game
Communication Skills : Tears - The Last Resort, Not the First
Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire by Putting on Makeup at
Home
Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
Introduction to Parking
Water retention: Fact or Fat
Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
Clothing Parties: Going Without New Outfits
Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes with EVERY
Outfit
Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges
"Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie
__________________________________________
Mammograms
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had
them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few
minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following
practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of
all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the
door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door
shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that
position for five seconds. Repeat with other breast.
EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement
floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the
floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a
friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite
a stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends against
either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard
as he/she can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do
it again.
You are now properly prepared!
And just a thought......
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And if your problems are severe you go to a "GUY"necologist for a HISterectomy!
___________________________________________________________________
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
...one old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds
her how far she has come... ....enough money within her control to move out
of her own even if she never wants or needs to
....something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
....a youth she's content to leave behind...
....a past "spicy" enough that
she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...
....the realization that she is actually going to have an old age
and some money set aside to fund it...
....a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace
bra...
....one friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry...
....a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
....eight matching plates, &wine glasses , & a recipe for a meal that will make her
guests feel honored..
....a resume that is not even slightest bit padded...
....a feeling of control over her destiny...
_________________________________________________
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW......
.....how to fall in love without losing herself...
....how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
....when to try harder and when to walk away...
....how to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend...
....how to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it...
....that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips or
the nature of her parents...
....what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
....how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
....whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take
it personally...
....where to go when her soul needs soothing...
....what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month... and a year...
_________________________________________________
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
__________________________________________
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
_______________________________
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
_______________________________
. Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass to pay for it all.
____________________________________
Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
_____________________________________
THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING FEMALE
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central
figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our
privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look
like an idiot.
_______________________
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other
tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does
not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends
who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman
whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of
thelist. When your turn comes around , you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the
writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom were
almost worth keeping. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the
chain, and got her own husband back again.
_______________________________________
Great Sayings
So many men, so few who can afford me.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
I'm out of estrogen -- and I have a gun.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
Guys have feelings too but ...... who cares?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
______________________________________
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cell phone to call every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving-call
1-800-....
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
_____________________________________________
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cat's facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
________
FANTASIES
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate
fantasy is to
have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological
study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy one
man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
__________________________
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you
of how far you've come.
2. Enough money in your name to move out and rent a place on your own,
even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see
you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old
age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some
money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your
family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that
will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those
few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all
those other facets of life that do get better.
_______________________________________
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining
the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and
wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get
it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or
the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn
hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.
________________________________________
A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and
tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the
man, "there's more than one type?"
"There are three types." replies the clerk, "The Catholic type,
the
Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference in them?"
The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports
the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes
mountains out of mole hills."
____________________________
written by Audrey Hepburn regarding "Beauty Tips:
For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise,
Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived,
reclaimed, and redeemed;
Never throw out anybody.
Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the
end of your arm.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one
for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she
shows,
_______________________________
