Directory Of Humor

WISDOM JOKES 

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,  smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great   risk.
FIFTEEN.! Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

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The Memory Bank
The 92 year old petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionable coiffed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she islegally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual

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Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both directions.
Words are windows to the heart.
It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt.
A successful marriage isn't finding the right person-it's being the right person.
The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.
Words are windows to the heart
To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.
You have to wonder about some people, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive.
It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck...
If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
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Chocolate
God gave the angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE!!!!!
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WAR
War does not determine who is right; war determines who is left.

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GREAT TRUTHS 
1) Raising teenagers is as easy as nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the sugar high.
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Random thoughts

WOMEN:

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

AGING

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

HOLIDAYS
I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

POLITICS

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

LIFE IN GENERAL:

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

MONEY

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

MARRIAGE

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

QUESTIONS 

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

ADVICE 

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

POETRY IN PROSE 

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
 

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 IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER  by Erma Bombeck

 I would have talked less and listened more.
 I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
 I would have eaten the popcorn in the "GOOD" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace. 
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and spray
 I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
 I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
 I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
 I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
 I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
 Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment realizing that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
 When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
 There would have been more "I love yous" ... more "I'm sorrys"....
but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.....look at it and really see it ... live it ... and never give it  back.
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Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
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To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.
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 Anger is only one letter short of danger.
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 If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; iIf he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
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Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
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He who loses money, loses much; he who loses a friend, loses much more; he who loses faith, loses all.
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Beautiful young people are accidents of nature but beautiful old people are works of art.
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 Learn from the mistakes of others.  You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
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 Yesterday is history.  Tomorrow is mystery.  Today is a gift, that's why we call it "the present".
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Take this quiz:

Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

> How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.

 These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.

But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.

Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

 Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

 Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

 Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

 Easier?

The lesson?

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

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I've learned that  love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned that  being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. 
       But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work &  doing  the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned  that people will forget what you said, they  will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel......
I've learned that  just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences for themselves
I've learned that  everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned that that when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned that  when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned that  having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned that you should never say 'no' to a gift from a child.
I've learned that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned that  simple walks with my father around the block on  summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned that  life is like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned that we should be glad we don't get  everything we ask for.
I've learned that money doesn't buy class.
I've learned that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned that  under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned that  the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned that  no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned that  life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned that  opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned that  when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned that I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned that  one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.
I've learned that the less time I have to work with,  the more things I get done 
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that  it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other;
         & just because they don't, doesn't mean they do.
I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see  something totally different.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, lifedoes go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a"living"is not the same thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both  hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things:
          a rainy day,  lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
 I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
 I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone - people love that human touch
      -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades,
         & there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
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Love
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
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The State of the World

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:
There would be:  57 Asians    21 Europeans    14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south    8 Africans    52 would be female>    48 would be male    70 would be non-white    30 would be white    70 would be non-Christian   30 would be Christian    89 would be heterosexual    11 would be homosexual     6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all     6 would be from the United States.    80 would live in substandard housing    70 would be unable to read    50 would suffer from malnutrition     1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth     1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education     1 would own a computer
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When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.  The following is also something to ponder...If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, You are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people in the world. If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than three billion people in the world. If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. If your parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada. If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.  
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Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
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