Directory Of Humor

TEACHING  JOKES 

 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

 2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,

30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.>

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had

 (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ( )'s were crossed

out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

 14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

 20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

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Inservice Days

A teacher died and went to heaven. St. Peter welcomed her in and said he would show her to her mansion. The first neighborhood was lovely. People were out on park lawns, socializing, grilling, playing golf on a beautiful course. Everyone was having a great time.The teacher asked if this was her neighborhood, but St. Peter said it  was just for doctors. They walked on and the teacher saw another neighborhood that was just as beautiful....huge mansions, beautiful  grounds, swimming pools,  golf ..... People were having a great time. Again she inquired if this was her neighborhood, but St. Peter said it was for dentists. On through the clouds they walked, approaching another neighborhood. It too was beautiful with new mansions, parks, pools, etc.. St. Peter told her this was her new home in heaven. The teacher was thrilled, except she noticed that no one was around and the mansions seemed to be empty. She asked St. Peter where everyone was. Didn't many teachers make it to heaven? St. Peter announced that yes, there were lots of teachers in heaven and they would all return the next day. They were in Hell attending an in-service.

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Subject: New Math
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter=> Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup= Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash= a microscope
 Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= a bananosecond
 Weight an evangelist carries with God= a billigram
 Lenghth of time you can sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour= Knot-furlong
 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling= 1 lite year
Half of a large intestine= a semicolon
1000 aches= a kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
 Shortest distance between two jokes= A straight line
 453.6 graham crackers= 1 pound cake
1 million microphones= a megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
 4.4 lbs lbs mockingbirds=v two kilomockingbird
10 cards= a decacards
1 falling figs= a Fig Newton
 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks= a literhosen
 1 millionth of a fish= a microfiche
 10 rations= a decoration
 100 rations= a C-ration
2 monograms= a diagram
 8 nickels= 2 paradigms
 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital= an I.V. League
 100 Senators= Not 1 decent decision
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If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:

TEACHING MATH
by Phil Kiracofe
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Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than
set M. What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline
the number  20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: how did the forest birds
and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no
wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock
price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does
the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume
capital gains are no longertaxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and
when demand for their product is down the logging work force can
easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company
earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement
plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an
hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian
subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers
(the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving
the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US
workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible
for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption
from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the
company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment
of the lobbying.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

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"There is no human reason why a child should not admire and emulate his teacher's ability to do sums, rather than the village bum's ability to whittle sticks and smoke cigarettes. The reason why the child does not is plain enough--the bum has put himself on an equality with him, and the teacher has not." - Floyd Dell

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you are stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help a child. "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked. "No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in test tube"

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader "

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the
brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are
five - a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.  The
purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon.  All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in
the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
___________________________________________________
Her name was Mrs. Thompson.

As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children a lie.
Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same.
But that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he didn't play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he
constantly needed a bath.

And Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold
X's and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers. 
At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last.
However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise. 
Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners...he is a joy to be around."
His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle."
His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death had been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken." 
Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in
class". 
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself.
She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's.
His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other
presents.
Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one quarter full of
perfume. 
But she stifled the children's laughterwhen she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing
some of the perfume on her wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to."
After the children left she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, and writing, and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach
children.
Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. 
By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same,
Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets."
 A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got anothernote from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best
teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors.
He assured Mrs.Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further.
The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer-- the letter was signed, Theodore
F. Stoddard, MD.
The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he'd met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the place at the wedding that was usually reserved for the mother of the
groom.
Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. And she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs.Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference."
Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one whotaught me that I could make a
difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you."