Directory Of Humor

RELIGION JOKES 

RELIGION
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The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her: " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless wretch ! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad... sniff, sniff"

"Oh! B' Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl ! I thought you said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give your old man a hug."
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JESUS
Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,and his mother was sure he was a god

Three proofs that Jesus was Irish
1. He never got married or held a steady job
2. He was always telling stories
3. His last request was a drink

Three proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican
1.His name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother said she did not know who his father was

Three proofs the Jesus was Italian
1.He talked with his hands
2.He had wine with every meal
3.He worked in the building trades

Three proofs that Jesus was Californian
1.He never cut his hair
2.He walked around barefoot
3.He invented a new religion

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept  trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just mdidn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to be done 
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THE LADLE 

An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." 
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read: Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
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Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath...I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem...you never did ANYTHING wrong - so you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong," replied St. Peter. "Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter. Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up!" "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately." Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down." "Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense then call me" A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Hello, Pete...it's Peggy...I'm gonna be a while with this one !"

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Frank Perdue and the Pope.  
 The pope receives a call from Frank Perdue one day. Frank says to the pope,"Holy Father, I have a great proposal I'd like you to consider. I would like to pay the Church one million dollars in return for your agreement to change the words of the Our Father from:  '...give us our daily bread' to 'give us our daily CHICKEN'. The pope says, "Frank that is an interesting offer, but no thanks." Mr. Perdue comes back with, "OK how about 10 million bucks?" The pope says, "That really is quite an offer Frank, but I'm sorry I can't change the Lord's Prayer that easily!" Finally, the chicken  executive says, "John Paul, you drive a hard bargain, my final offer is $100 Million dollars to change the prayer to 'chicken'. The pope replies, "Hmm. Frank,  this I will have to really consider --  I'll have to meet with my cardinals and bishops and then get back to you on this offer." The next day the pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals and bishops.  As the meeting comes to order he says, "Guys, I have received quite an offer, we have a chance to get $100 million dollars with which we could do a lot of good  in this world. However, the downside is we may lose the Wonder Bread account.

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at   the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"

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In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate   his life and to join the others copying ancient records.  The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand, books that had already been copied by hand. Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chancesfor error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?" "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document." As the evening got late, the monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian?" He called. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and   the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time. "Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!!"
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A recently married young Rabbi went to his congregation, informed them of  his wife's pregnancy, and asked for a raise in wages that would allow him a  reasonable salary.  After due deliberation, they all agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise and informed the Rabbi. However, after six births in six years a meeting was called to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome. Addressing the congregation, the Rabbi said that having children was an act of God, just like snow and rain . From the back of the room came a voice saying: "Point of order Rabbi. For snow and rain, we all wear rubbers."
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HYMNS
The local Presbyterian church was in dire financial straits and they were getting hard pressed to raise money. Then the preacher had an idea, to give the largest contributor each Sunday the choice of 3 hymns. So the following Sunday from the pulpit he explained the plight and his idea. The collection plates went around, and they were brought up to him.  To his surprise there was a $1000 bill right on top. He sobbed and said a few Hallelujahs and asked who was the wonderful person who donated this remarkable sum. A slight little elderly lady stood up and admitted to it. The preacher called her to the front of the church and applauded her.  He then exclaimed to her "you may now select  your 3 favorite hymns, so do you know what you want?" "Why yes I do," she replied and faced the congregation, "I'll take him, him, and him."
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THE BLIND MAN

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits as they cannot afford new ones now. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from outside the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice breasts," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

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FLORISTS

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business.  They ignored her.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.  Terrified, the friars did so.

The Moral of the Story:  Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!

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DENTIST:                   Crown Him with many crowns
CONTRACTORS:               The church's one foundation
OBSTETRICIANS:             Come, labor on
GOLFERS:                   There is a green hill far away
POLITICIANS:               Standing on the promises
LIBRARIANS:                Let all mortal flesh keep silence
LAWYERS:                   In the hour of trial
DRY CLEANERS:              O for a faith that will not shrink
CREDIT CARD USERS:         A charge to keep have I
CENSUS TAKERS:             All people that on earth do dwell
TAXATION OFFICERS:         We give thee but thine own
TRAFFIC ENGINEERS:         Where cross the crowded ways of life
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A pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years to why people don't go to church, included this list in the Sunday bulletin:

TEN REASONS WHY I NEVER WASH

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everybody else.
3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which is best.
4. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
5. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends wash.
7. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
8. I can't spare the time.
9. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer.
10. People who make soap are only after your money.
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Roadsigns from god

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.-God
C'mon over and bring the kids. -God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?-God
We need to talk.>> >>> > -God
 Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer>> > -God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.>> >>> > -God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it>> > -God
I love you and you and you and you and...>> >> -God
Will the road you're on get you to my place?>> > -God
Follow me.>> >>> > -God
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.>> >>> > -God
My way is the highway.>> >>> > -God
Need directions?>> >>> > -God
You think it's hot here?>> >>> > -God
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.>> >>> > -God
Do you have any idea where you're going?>> >>> > -God
Don't make me come down there. >>> > -God
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On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha- that's all folks!'"

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said,
"Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this." And God said,"Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding   seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.  And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood." And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing> that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw they were lean and fit. And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game." And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman  might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds. And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil. with which to cook them."  And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad  cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN 2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and> brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them and created sour cream dip.  And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance. Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. But the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds. And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyers, east of the valley of the marriage counselors. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight-watchersbut it didn't help. And God created exercise machines with easy payments and man brought forth his Visa but the Devil did set the rate at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.And the Devil did rejoice.

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**The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

**Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

** The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

**Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

**The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

**Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

**A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

**At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

**Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

**Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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IN THE BEGINNING...
"And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, though broad of shoulder and long of leg so that she came to be known as Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent? I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by UPS (Uriah's Pony Stable) ". Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. And lo  Miliken Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was therefore accused of insider trading. But throughout the land  the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were mostly Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites and came in time to be known simply as NERDS. And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work with Brother Gates' drumsticks. 

    As Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or  "eBay," as it came to be known, he said, "we need a name for our great  service that reflects what we are and will forever be known in history" and Dot replied, "We are Young Ambitious Hebrew
Owner Operators."  YAHOO!"  said Abraham. "That's it ", said Dot Com.
and that is how it all began.....
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THREE WISE (WO)MEN
What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts. But what would they have said when they left ...?"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!  "Virgin? I knew her in school!" "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!""Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole
dish back?"
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Cross Jehovah's witness with agnostic - s/o who knocks on door for no reason    
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Cross agnostic & dyslexic - s/o who stays up all night long trying to figure out if there is a dog  
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WHAT KIDS  SAID .....

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." 

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

When asked why is it necessary to be quiet in church :"Because people are sleeping."

 "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" "See those
two men standing by the door? They're hushers. 

"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?" 

The last commandment..., "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." 

The Lord's prayer...."Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

 When the  little boy was in a relative's wedding was asked why he came down the aisle taking two steps, stopping, and turning  to the crowd, putting  his hands up like claws and roaring -  then take  more steps and roar.....   step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle - he answered "I was being the Ring Bear." 
Children Observations

MORE KIDS STUFF 


1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God
got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
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2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an
ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
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3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
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4. The Jews were a proud people! and throughout
history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
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5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led
astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
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6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
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7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
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8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten ammendments.
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9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
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10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
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11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
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12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua
told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
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13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of
people who lived in Biblical times.
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14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
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A burglar broke into an empty house in the middle of the night. He had taken just a few steps when he heard a voice boom out in the darkness, saying, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!"

He stopped dead in his tracks, waited a few minutes, when he heard nothing else he began tiptoeing forward only to hear "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" again.  He froze and began looking frantically around to see who had said that.  Finally, over in a dark corner he spotted a bird cage and in the bird cage was a parrot. He said to the parrot, "Did you say 'Jesus is watching you' just now?"  The parrot said, "Yes, I did."  The burglar said, "What is your name?"  The parrot answered, "Clarence"
The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"  The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
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The new town pastor walked into a neighborhood pub, and stood quietly for a moment, watching everyone dancing in the place, which was hopping with music.  Every once in a while the lights would go out, and the whole place would erupt into cheers.  After a few moments, though, the revelers caught sight of the pastor, and the room went dead silent. He walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I  please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think  you should."  "Why not?" the pastor asked.  "Well, there is life-sized statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a  fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.  The dancing and rowdiness resumed, and when the lights went out again, the crowd  cheered even more wildly than before. After a few minutes, the preacher came back out, and the crowd stopped dancing just long enough to give him an enthusiastic round of applause. He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't  understand.  Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"  "Well, now they know you're one of us!" said the bartender.  "But,  I'm afraid I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.  "You  see," said the bartender, every time the fig leaf is lifted up, the lights go  out..."
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 Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Sweiggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."