Directory Of Humor

REDNECK JOKES 

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Word Play 

Southern - the Language Guide
>Attair: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desired. "Kindly pass me
attair gravy
>Uhmurkin: Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas
Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."
>War: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be
careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."
>Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting
individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."
>Dayum: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." "Frankly, my
dear, I don't give a dayum."
>Everwhichways: To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been
there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew
everwhichways.
>Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's
about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."
>Flars: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at
ya, it's smart to take her some flars."
>Saar: The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."
>Griyuts: What no Southern breakfast would be without . "Ah like
griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye
gravy."
>Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta)
"General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."
>Hep: to aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."
>Idinit: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.
"Mighty hot today, idinit?"
>Kumpny: Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."
>Phraisin: Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."
>Retch: To grasp for. "The right fielder retch over into the stands and
caught the ball."
>Shovelay: A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."
>Sinner: Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."
>Tarred: Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' tonight."
>Tar Arns: A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar
without a tar arn."
>Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it
sure does take a lot of awl."
>Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even
bawl water without burnin' it."
>Cyst: To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

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_____________________________________
 Things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they've had to drink...
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
Duct tape won't fix that.
 Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Who's Richard Petty?
ive me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at the Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on the C drive.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS

Benign....................What you be after you be eight.

Artery............................The study of paintings.

Bacteria..........................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan...........................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.

Colic................................A sheep dog.

Coma..............................A punctuation mark.

D&C................................Where Washington is.

Dilate..............................To live long.

Enema............................Not a friend.

Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.............................A small lie.

Genital...........................Non-Jewish person.

G.I.Series.............World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.

Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.................A Doctor's cane.

Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates..........................Cheaper than day rates.

Node..............................I knew it.

Outpatient.....................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis............................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative.............A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.

Rectum..........................Darn near killed him.

Secretion.......................Hiding something

Seizure...........................Roman emperor.

Tablet.............................A small table.

Terminal Illness.............Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor............................More than one.

Urine.............................Opposite of you're out

Varicose.......................Near by/close by

>>

Subject: Southern Quotes

>>

>> 1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

>>

>> 2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

>>

>> 3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

>>

>> 4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.

>>

>> 5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

>>

>> 6. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

>>

>> 7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.

>>

>> 8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.

>>

>> 9. He's as country as cornflakes.

>>

>> 10. This is gooder'n grits.

>>

>> 11. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

>>

>> 12. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me

>> enjoy it.

>>

>> >> >>

___________________________________

Dear Redneck Son;

>>>I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

>>>

>>>We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in

>>>the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from

>>>your home, so we moved.

>>>

>>>I won't be able to send you the address because the last

>>>Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they

>>>moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

>>>

>>>This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm

>>>not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and

>>>pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

>>>

>>>The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the

>>>first time for three days and the second time for four days.

>>>

>>>About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley

>>>said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons

>>>on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

>>>

>>>John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really

>>>worried because it took him two hours to get me and your

>>>father out.

>>>

>>>Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out

>>>what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The

>>>baby looks just like your brother....

>>>

>>>Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to

>>>pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We

>>>had him cremated and he burned for three days.

>>>

>>>Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.

>>>Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.

>>>Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they

>>>couldn't get the tailgate down.

>>>

>>>There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has

>>>happened.

>>>

>>> Love, Aunt Mom

>>>

>>> P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was

>>>already sealed.