Directory Of Humor

POLITICS JOKES 

POLITICS/ Government/ Current Events 
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1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.


2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the
country.


3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their
statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running
the
country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave
Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on
the
train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running
the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country
but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there
is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all
that
they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are
handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal
aliens from
any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not
Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.

12. None of these is read by the guy from Texas who is running the
country into the ground.

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 Where is Bin Laden?

 Pentagon officials believe they have been unable to locate Bin Laden
because he has found a place to hide out where (1) it is easy to get in if you have the money, (2) no one will recognize or remember you, (3) no one will  realize that you have disappeared, (4) no one keeps any records of your comings and goings, and (5) you have no obligations or responsibilities. Pentagon analysts are still puzzled, however, as to how Bin Laden found out about the Texas Air National Guard in the first place.
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After France Germany & Belgium vetoed the Un decision to enforce the referendum to disarm Iraq in 2/03

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than
500 employees and has the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

*7 have been arrested for fraud

*19 have been accused of writing bad checks

*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

*3 have done time for assault

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

*8 have been arrested for shoplifting

*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

*84 have been arrested for drunk driving within the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep
the rest of us in line.
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Economics systems over the ages explained and compared:

Feudalism -
      You have two cows. Your Feudal Lord takes most of  the milk.

Fascism -
      You have two cows.  The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism -
      You have two cows.  Your neighbors help take care of them and the state gets the milk.

Totalitarianism -
      You have two cows.  The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army.  Milk is banned.

Capitalism -
      You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and your wealth grows.  You sell them all, invest the money and retire on the income from the investments .


Enron Venture Capitalism -
      You have two cows.  You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, as well as  a tax exemption for five cows.   The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your  publicly listed company.  The annual report states the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

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Late Night with Osama bin Laden
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you.  Let's put Blockbuster in charge of  immigration." -- Jay Leno
"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this-he's worth $300 million, has five wives and 26 kids ...  and he hates Americans for their 'excessive'lifestyle." -- David Letterman
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden.  Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids.  Mother must  be exhausted.  This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments.  This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." -- Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden.  You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton." -- Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M.  I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith.  We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." -- Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" -- Conan O'Brien
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that.  We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." -- Jay Leno
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail.  As usual, we're number three." -- David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood.  Used to be people in this  town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -- Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a
how-to manual for terrorists.  You see them on the news.  This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'"-- Jay Leno
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or
packages that have badly misspelled words.  Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry."-- Jay Leno
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes  a direct reference to what happened in New York City.  The exact plot is being kept top secret.  We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret." -- Jay Leno
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word  Jihad." -- Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this.  If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -- Jay Leno
"U.S.  Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system.  You know what they should do?  They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank.  They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges."
- Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest.  If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early."
-- Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden.  How about finding Dick Cheney?  Where did he go?  What, have we got caves over here now, too?
Where did he go?  I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo." - Jay Leno
"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again." - Jay Leno
The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S.  its full military support.  You know what that means: Both tanks." - Jay Leno
"President Bush's popularity is at 90 percent, the highest
popularity ever...  if President Bush ran for president today he could actually be elected."- Jay Leno
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What  to do about Bin Laden  - 
Can't shoot him he'll become a martyr
Can't put him in prison,  they'll come to capture him back & take hostages, etc.
So send in a squadron of guerillas to capture him - sedate him - 
                give him a sex change & send him to live with the Taliban
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Terrorist Alert 
We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in this bunch.  

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Fighting Terrorists -  the modern day approach 
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks on how to properly zip & fasten military "fashion attire",   outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted gently) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. 

     We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands for a while , ( those that haven't left already) . And since, for some  of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning, we have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet and never lost a pound. We have enured admirably the guerilla tactics used in  gyms and saunas across America  We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all  ! We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, motels or sporting events...finding Bin Laden in some cave will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we know how to bring the  warring factions together. The husbands some of us have divorced have provided the training for a  "specialty unit " within our ranks that knows  every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!
      Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women.  Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.  I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should,  too!
We have what it takes to make the difference!

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Clinton's Afterlife

 

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do. I've got a
couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,
but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty handed.
Over and over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.
"No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge
hammer and a room full  of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time
after time after time.  "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder.  I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented
Bill.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Kenneth Starr, tied to a chair naked.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Clinton took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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 I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. Let's say that you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across George W. Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

 So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below:
>
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> What lens would you use?
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 The state of Texas, under the leadership of Governor George W. Bush, is ranked:
 50th. Spending for teachers salaries 49th. Spending on the environment
 1st. % of poor working parents WITHOUT insurance
 47th. Delivery of social services
 42nd. Child support collections
 5th. % of population living in poverty
 1st. % of children without insurance
 48th. Per capita funding for public health
 1st. Air and water pollution
 41st. Per capita spending on public education
 1st. Executions (avg. 1 every 2 weeks for Bush's 5 years)
 Also: He has executed more blacks on death row than any other governor in history. Just think of what he could do for the country if he were President

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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
Thou shalt cross the road. And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find
out.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any
chickens.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes,
the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free
to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned with a chicken crossing a road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken Coop 99, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook --- and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: By your definition, I did not cross the road with ANY chicken,
for to be chicken would mean to NOT cross, so you see, because a chicken did
cross, it was not a chicken and that means that I have nothing to hide
whatsoever, However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in
New York.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

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  FLORIDA: The state of confusion 
  FLORIDA : If you think we can't vote, wait till   you see us drive.
  FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
  FLORIDA: Re-tire, Re-lax, Re-Vote.
  FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?
  FLORIDA: Where your vote counts...and  counts...and counts.
  FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian  away from us!
  FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! We Demand a  Recount!
  Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote  twice.
  Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.
  FLORIDA: We can't vote, but you should see how  we handle 15 bingo Cards! 
  FLORIDA: The people have spoken. Now shut up and listen while the lawyers tell you what they said.

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A car salesman trying to "influence" a senator by offering him a new car for free. The senator tells him that he could never accept such a gift under such circumstances. "That would be unethical, dishonest and against the law!" he replies indignantly. The salesman thinks for a moment, and suggests he "sell" the senator a car ...for $20. The senator nods approvingly, "Great, I'll take 2."

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Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into  the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a United  States Congressman!"   "In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"
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A whole group of politicians racing toward the senate hearings in a huge limousine plowed into a farmer's truck. One of them managed to get a phone call off to 911 before collapsing - but by the time the emergency crew got to them the farmer all but the last of them buried in the field nearby. "Oh my God" said the rescue workers - "Were they ALL dead???
"Well" said the farmer - "...some of them SAID they weren't, but you know how politicians are always lying....."
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How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four hundred and sixty   two:

Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb, twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry, sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D, thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs, fifty-three to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb, forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead, and two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law
making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet
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 True story, as heard on "Late Late Show with Tom Snyder" '97 Scientists at NASA have developed a gun, whose purpose it is is to launch dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the Space Shutle at that vehicles maximum
traveling velocity. The idea being that it will simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the
windshields are strong enough. British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high-speed trains . However, upon firing the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.    Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.  The NASA scientist sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken." 
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This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95 Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the SOUTH to avoid a collision.Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, DIVERT YOUR
course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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Hi! Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. May I call you Bill and Hillary? Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.

So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, four-plus acres as I recall. That's 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down-$440,000--that leaves a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem. Let's just have a quick look at your financial statements.

Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of course, and you salary is-oh, dear--$200,000 a year. We usually recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,00 perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood?

And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you do then? Oh, open a library. In Little Rock. Arkansas? Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.

Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators are paid

$130,000 a year-assuming, of course, if elected. So with your jobs & your pension you're still looking at a house in something more like the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall colonial & a larger piece of ground.

Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991, correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. So, it flopped, in other words.

But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. Howabout this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt, too? Well, Castle Grande? Hmmm - that went bankrupt, too??

A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail. And Mr. Clinton, there's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying in court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you're not lying on you loan application? Good point. It would look a lot better if you were lying. Are there any other legal matters we should know about? You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty much in the clear indictment- wise. What does that mean? You don't think she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we're not totally sure, right? That means there's a remote possibility-note that I say "remote" that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while one of you is making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds and the other is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.

This is an embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage?  No? Fine.

Now, let's take a look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes,  Mr. Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But-oh!--those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4 million in the hole. How do you expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you're relying on the charity of strangers.

You also have some serious expenses.  A kid at Stanford had got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, more with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!

Well, let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay. You have a financial history that can only be described as "checkered", serious financial demands and on-going legal problems. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.

OK - All that into account....Let's see... Well .............Congratulations! And welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners! You've got your mortgage!
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The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:

1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.

2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity

And... 3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

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Clinton Stops Traffic

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."