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ONE - LINER JOKES
1.
Save
the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.
A day
without sunshine is like... night.
3.
On the
other hand, you have different fingers.
4.
If you
get lost in thought, it wasn't familiar territory.
5.
42.7
percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
(62.9%, actually)
6.
99
percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7.
I feel
like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8.
Honk if
you love peace and quiet.
9.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10.
He who
laughs last, thinks slowest.
11.
The
early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12.
I drive
way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
13.
Support bacteria.
They're the only culture some people have.
14.
Monday
is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
15.
A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
16.
Change
is inevitable, except from vending machines.
17.
Get a
new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.
18.
Plan to
be spontaneous tomorrow.
19.
Always
be modest, and be proud of it!
20.
If you
think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
21.
How
many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
22.
OK, so
what's the speed of dark?
23.
How do
you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
24.
If
everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
25.
When
everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
26.
Hard
work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
27.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
28.
If
Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
29.
How
much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
30.
Eagles
may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
31.
What
happens if you get scared half to death twice?
32.
I used
to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
33. They
couldn't fix my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
34.
Why do
psychics have to ask you for your name?
35.
Inside
every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
36.
Just
remember: gravity is a myth -- the earth sucks.
37. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
38. A word to the wise is superfluous.
How
Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique
Up On It.
How
Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame
Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They
Take The Psycho Path
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You
Boil The Hell Out Of It.
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A
Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho
Cheese.
What
Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate
Clauses.
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled
Milk..
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A
Nervous Wreck.
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right
Where You Left Him.
Why
Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because
They Have Big Fingers.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The
Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because
They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A
Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's
Gonna Lose A Trailer
________________________________________
Conscience is what hurts
when everything else feels so good.
_________________________________________
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
_________________________________________
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.
_________________________________________
"When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and
salt."
_______________________________________
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be changed regularly and for the same reason.
_________________________________________
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A
pessimist fears that this is true.
__________________________________________________
"When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and
salt."
_________________________________________
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse
every year.
_________________________________________
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
_________________________________________
I am having an out of money experience.
______________________________________________
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
______________________________________________
A day without sunshine is like night.
______________________________________________
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
___________________________________________________
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
__________________________________________________
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the OTHERS here for?
_________________________________________________
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
____________________________________________
No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
_________________________________________________
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
__________________________________________________
Things I've Learned
I've learned that it takes years to
build up trust, and it only takes suspicion,
not
proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some
people are just idiots.
I've
learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their
dysfunction
makes us feel better about ourselves
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
*Things It Takes Most Of Us 50 Years To Learn*
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.
3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
4. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."
5. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
6. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
7. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
8. You should not confuse your career with your life.
9. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not
a nice person.
10. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
______________________________________________
Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!
Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.
Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.
Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".
Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
"Normal": A setting on a washing machine.
Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.
Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.
Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.
Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.
_____________________________________________
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse
every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
______________________________________________________________________
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him
around several
times, does he
become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called
Poles, why aren't people from
Holland
called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of
whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much
as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it
disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie
so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A
penny for your thoughts" and you put
your two
cents in, what happens to the other
penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight
packages? Aren't they just
stale bread
to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture
taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the
piano called a pianist but a
person who
drives a race car not called a
racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy
opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean
opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11
pronounced onety one?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and
clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that
electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
dry cleaners depressed?
17. If FedEx and UPS were to merge,
would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take
coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on
the driver's licenses of bald
men?
20. I was thinking about how people
seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on
me. They're cramming for their
final
exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed
their babies with tiny little
spoons
and forks so I wondered what do
Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of
criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why
don't they just put their
pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can
look for them while they deliver
the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to
help others, then what exactly
are the
others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear
until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only
a game" when their team is
winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of
lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape
at full blast. The mime next
door went
nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come
out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations
A through G?
30. Ever wonder about those people
who spend $2 apiece on those
little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling
Evian backwards: NAIVE
31. Isn't making a smoking section in
a restaurant like making a
peeing
section in a swimming pool?
32. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are
known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay
Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs,"
what does that make the
Tennessee
Titans?
33. If four out of five people SUFFER
from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
34. There are three religious truths:
-- Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
Messiah.
-- Protestants do not recognize the
Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
-- Baptists do not recognize each
other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
And start each day with a smile and
get it over with
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she
is.
I have six locks on my door, all in
a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are
OK, then
it must be you.
They show you how detergents take
out bloodstains. I think if I've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry
isn't
your biggest problem.
Ask people why they have deer heads
on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is
beautiful but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
A lady came up to me on the street,
pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" I said "I
didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
too".
Future historians will be able to
study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill
Clinton
Adult Bookstore.
__________________________________
THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD
>
> 1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why,
thank
> you" (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).
>
> 2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the
orchestra,
> some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and
some
> are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
>
> 3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
>
> 4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own
taste.
>
> 5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter and doesn't
> like
> dogs/cats.
>
> 6. Good sex should involve laughter; because think about it, it is
funny.
>
> 7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and
> it
> should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
>
> 8. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
"I
> apologize" and "You are right".
>
> 9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>
> 10. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to
eat
> crow while it's still warm.
>
> 11. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave
me
> was
> "Go! You might meet somebody!"
>
> 12. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe it.
>
> 13. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this
matter one
> year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
>
> 14. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
>
> 15. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another
chance!
>
> 16. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because
of a
> bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was
> right
> about you.
Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing
how to
make it.
Work is good but it's not that important.
Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
________________________________
Worry, God knows all about you.
Jesus is coming, look busy! - Alan Bennett
JESUS SAVES... But Gretzky gets the rebound, he shoots, he SCORES!!
Suicide is a way of telling God 'you can't fire me, I QUIT!'
I have nothing against god, it's his followers that I can't stand
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
God, please protect me from your followers. -
GUNS
Back off I'm a postal worker. -W
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
Fight crime, shoot back - Remy Barnes
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children
Gun control means using both hands! - B
Gun control is being able to hit your target
Guns don't kill people, they just make it easier
My karma ran over your dogma.
DRIVING
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Caution! Driver's applying make-up
CAUTION : Driver Singing - Andrea Curry
The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere else
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL
Hang up and drive
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car - Many people
Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!
It was only a lane change! -Susan Montgomery
DRINKING
DAMM - Drunks Against Mad Mothers
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the
morning - anonymous
A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding
on - Keith Fisher
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass
and not fall off the earth.
Don't drink and drive--if you hit a bump you spill your beer -
If I'm driving funny its probably because I'm drunk.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I have a problem with drinking... two hands and only one mouth
Honk if you hate noise pollution
This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
I got this motorhome for my wife....BEST deal I ever made!
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS
Dad's the boss. Right Mommy?
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM
YOU!!! Out of the gene pool
Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control
Stop Inbreeding! Ban country music.
When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws children will evolve.
A fool and his money are my best friends
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
Change is inevitable... except for vending machines
Money isn't everything...but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
Hit me, I need money
Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich!
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
A fool and his money are soon partying
IF YOU'RE RICH, I'M SINGLE
Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter
There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it.
I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables
- Many people
I like cats, they taste just like chicken.
- Many different people
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Cory Gallagher
Cat... the other white meat.
- Letitia Yao
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
- Many different people
Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
- Susan Lee Rivas
Zero to Bitch in 4.0 Seconds
- Susan Lee Rivas
FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT
- Letitia Yao
I'm the person your mother warned you about!
-Lisa Leatherneck
Men aren't pigs....pigs are gentle, cute creatures!
-Lisa Kennedy
Missing, Husband And Dog; Attention $100.00 Reward For Dog
- anonymous
If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons
-Brian E. Aronson
When God made man she was only kidding!
- Amy Morris
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Normal people worry me
- Stephanie Martin
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they
are ok, your it
- anonymous
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT
- Letitia Yao
Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship
- Linda Olson
Support mental health or I'll kill you
- Garett Blackwell
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
- anonymous
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink
-anonymous
P.M.S ?!! Hell, this is one of my better days!!
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready
- Robert Hallworth
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
-Brian E. Aronson
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My other wife is beautiful.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Never fight ugly people they have nothing to loose
-anonymous
Us blondes aren't bumb
- anonymous
If you think I'm a drunk driver you're wrong, I'm a blonde
- Dana Lyon
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
- Minda McDorman
When blondes have more fun, do the know it?
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST
i souport publik edekashun
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I is a college student.
HUKED ON FONIKS WERKD FER ME! My kid can beat up your honor student
My honor student fired your stupid kid
My child was inmate of the month at the county jail
Take a Bite out of Crime. It tastes like Chicken.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Hug a Logger you will never go back to trees
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
Archeologists will date any old thing
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill
them
Give Blood Play Hockey
Guns don't kill people postal workers do.
U.S. MARINE CORPS.--Everything destroyed in 30 min. or the next one's
free!
Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor
Dole for Pineapple, Not for President
Honk if you've been groped by Clinton
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Eschew obfuscation.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk
carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of
nothing.
Who cares who's on board?
Die Yuppie Scum.
No radio. Already stolen.
Exxon Suxx.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather
be.
Pray for Whirled Peas! I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead
Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe.
If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them
Nonconformists are all alike.
Hug your kids at home-belt them in the car!
Car will explode upon impact
Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go fishing hunt a
dinosaur
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS
DIPLOMACY IS THAT ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN
FIND A ROCK
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC
PARTICLES LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE - VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE
WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF SMART
PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY
Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups
Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
Conserve Water; Shower with a friend
Let me tell you about my bowel movements.
All generalizations are false.
Custer got Siouxed
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned
off.
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
DAM : Mothers Against Dislexia
Dislexics of the world... UNTIE!!
I will never put off 'till tomorrow what I can forget about forever
Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons For You Are Crunchy And Good With
Ketchup.
Where There's A Whip, There's A Way.
Sorry, I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
HELP! I've tripped and I can't get down
I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
One who farts in church sits in his own pew.
I do everything my rice krispies tell me to do
Earth first! We'll strip mine the other planets later!
Very funny Scotty, Now beam down my Clothes!!!
STOP CONTINENTAL DRIFT!
I Hate Coffee--It Keeps Me Awake at Work.
- I want to make love in the worst way--standing up in a canoe
- Mert Proctor
- There was nothing Great about the Depression.
- Derek Jackson
HELP END POVERTY--EAT THE POOR
- Sarah Konikoff
The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
- Debbie Wright
The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock
Bad spellers of the world younight!
Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
A friend in need... can be a real pain in the ass.
- JC Chapman
BE KIND TO YOUR CHILDREN; THEY CHOOSE YOUR NURSING HOME.
- Don Nieding
Not tonite dear, I have a modem!
- Laura Coletti
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
- Sandy McManmon
IF YOU HAVE TO JUMP FROM A PLANE AND YOUR PRIMARY PARACHUTE DOESN'T OPEN, HOW
LONG TO YOU HAVE TO OPEN THE SECONDARY? ANS: THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
> THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.
>
> HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
> YOU BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT.
>
> WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
> DAM!
>
> WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO
> LONG?
> POLAROIDS.
>
> WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
> A STICK.
>
> WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
> NACHO CHEESE.
>
> WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
> SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.
>
> WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
> QUATRO SINKO.
>
> WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
> SPOILED MILK.
>
> WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A
> VAMPIRE?
> FROSTBITE.
>
> WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND
> TWITCHES?
> A NERVOUS WRECK.
>
> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA
> SOUP?
> ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF.
>
> WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
> RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM.
>
> WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
> BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.
>
> WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
> BECAUSE IT SCARES THE DOG TOO MUCH.
>
> WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
> SANKA.
>
> WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A
> HOOVER?
> THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.
>
> WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
> BECAUSE THEY WEAR THEIR BELT BUCKLE ON THEIR
> HAT.
>
> WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A
> BAD SKYDIVER?
> A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DAMN. A BAD SKYDIVER
> GOES, DAMN, WHACK
>
> HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
> UNIQUE UP ON IT.
>
> HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
> TAME WAY, UNIQUE UP ON IT.
>
> WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
> SKEET.
>
> WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP,
> CLOP,CLOP?
> AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING
>
> HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE
> THE SAME?
> SOMEBODY'S GONNA LOSE A TRAILER!
______________________________________
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late; in fact, her ancestors arrived on the
"Juneflower."
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs
and blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that, if you line up all the cars in the world end to
end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world
population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, because I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
____________________________________________
INSANITY/CHAOS Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
>
AGE Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.
INSANITY /CHAOS I told my husband that my mind wanders a bit - he
said no way - he's sure it has run away from home never to return.
SMALL TOWNS The nice part about living in a small town is that when you
don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
MARRIAGE The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing and then they marry him..
DRINKING . One tequila, two tequila, three tequila,
floor.
RELIGION Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
CHRISTMAS The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
IRONY: I went to a bookstore and asked the
saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me,
it would defeat the purpose.
PSYCHOLOGY If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
ANIMALS If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
PONDER . Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
PONDER Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
PONDER If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
PONDER Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank
machines?
PONDER . Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because
they taste funny?
LIFELONG WISDOM
MARRIAGE >Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.
MARRIAGE
>Bigamy & Monagamy are really a lot alike. Bigamy is when you have
one spouse too many - and monogamy is too
MARRIAGE
>A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "husband wanted". Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
MARRIAGE
>The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
MARRIAGE
>The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced him."
MARRIAGE
>>Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
MARRIAGE
>>Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
MARRIAGE
>>Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
MARRIAGE
>>The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I
said, "Dust!"
MARRIAGE
>>In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
MARRIAGE
>>Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
INSANITY I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
WORK I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying
by.
>Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
> Some days you're the windshield and some days you're the bug
>Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need
him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
>I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
>On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
INSANITY >I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
AGE / RELIGION >God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am
so far behind, I will live forever.
>Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
AGE >I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
AGE >Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
DIET>Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
INSANITY >Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
WORK >If at first you don't succeed, see if losers get any prizes.
WORK >I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
DIET >Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be
sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
DIET >Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled
backwards?
AGE >Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
WORK/SUCCESS >If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
>A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
>Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
>No one is listening until you make a mistake.
>To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
>The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
>A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
>If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
>A fool and his money are soon partying.
>Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation
>Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
>What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
>Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
>I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
>I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
>How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
>Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>OK, so what's the speed of darkness?
>All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
>What's another word for synonym?
>When you sue a parsley farmer & win , can you garnish his wages?
>Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
>If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?
>Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
> Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
>Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
>Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
>Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
>"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
>Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
>Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
>Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
>I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
>Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
>Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
>Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
AGE >We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
LIFE >All generalizations are false.
LIFE >Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
AGE>Be nice to your kids. They'll be the ones who choose your
nursing home.
>3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
>Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
>The beatings will continue until morale improves.
>I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
>Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
>There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
>Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
>A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
>Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
>Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
>If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
>Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
>Do witches run spell checkers?
>Department of Redundancy Department
>What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
>The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful
>Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
>It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
>Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
>A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
>How can I miss you if you won't go away?
>Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
AGE >The older you get, the better you realize you were.
>I doubt, therefore I might be.
AGE >Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
>Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
>Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
>Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
> If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
>If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
>If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
>If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
>If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
>What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
>What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
> How do you double the value of a Yugo? You fill it with gas.
> What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common? Neither of them can stop a
Bronco.
>What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
>What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
>Definition: Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
>We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
>3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
>Now - at last ...For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
>Flying saucers are real, the Air Force does not exist
>Bumper Sticker- Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
>Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
>Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Definition: A Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
** Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why do they they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him,
is he still wrong?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Is it proper for vegetarians to eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
** If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
I.R.S.Motto: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for
you!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
check these for doubles - print out top & then erase dupicates from
bottom
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Definition: A Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why do they they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him,
is he still wrong?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Is it proper for vegetarians to eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
I.R.S.Motto: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
I.R.S.Motto: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
**If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for
you!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
MONEY>Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
LAWYERS> 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
EGO>One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
MEN>Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
AGE >Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is loss of memory, the
other two I forget.>
> You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.>
> Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.>
> Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
>> You know you're a guy getting on in years when the girls at the
office start confiding in you.
>> Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
>> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere.
>> Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have
begun to grow in the middle.
>> Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to
enjoy.
>> A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.
> Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.
>> You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.
>> At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take
a laxative.
>> Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will
avoid you.
>> The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
>> You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the
parking lot.
>> You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get
it started.
>> You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you
don't know till the 4th of July.
>> You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
>DIET > The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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