Directory Of Humor

OFFICE JOKES 

 WORK /JOBS/ BOSSES  /OFFICE  HUMOR

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For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.  Really, really overworked.
Here's why: 
The population of the U.S. is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2
million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for
State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million
to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

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A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer,"No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact,we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"   "Rain."
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> BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
> SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
> CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
> PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
> CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
> MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch  potato.
> SITCOMS: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of  them stops working to stay home with the kids.
> SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
> STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce  with no kids, no property and no regrets.
> SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless  because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
> TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
> GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
> IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's video Grand Jury testimony is
> another.
> UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a
> vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the
> number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number
> and ask the operator for assistance." (See also: decruitment.)
> YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
> everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
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How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity And Drive Other People Insane.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.  
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
Answer everything in opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you  think."
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of  jungle sounds all day.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
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Job Posting Truths  

 

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:

We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED:

Management won't answer questions.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:

We have a lot of turnover.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:

If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

DUTIES WILL VARY:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

CAREER-MINDED:

We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until

you are 70.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what

they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:

You whine and you're fired.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:

Work 55 hours; get paid for 40

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 New Policy Regarding 
Sickness, Pregnancy, and Death

SICKNESS

We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are  employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

 

PREGNANCY

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINTUES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take the hours' leave without pay.

 DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.

 

From,

THE MANAGEMENT

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*How To Interpret Employment Ads*

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our

competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will

dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on

your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need

to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in

perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your

first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities

of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you

have to figure out what they want and do it.
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SUPER HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

Please note that  Super High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T) will be offered to all employees beginning next week.  Anyone who would like to get on the S.H.I.T. list please see the Director of Personel / Super High Intensity Training (D.I.P.-S.H.I.T.) or the  Hotshit Bullshit etc

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*Lost Balloon*

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He

reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon

further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet

above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically

correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in Management".

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're

going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same

position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."