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Music JOKES Music or Instrument Jokes ********************** What do you say to a banjo player in a three piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise." How is a banjo different than
an onion . No one cries when you chop up a banjo When do banjo songs sound the best? When they're over. I hear there's a new parachute made especially for banjo players. It opens on impact. Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves them time in the long run. What is the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a trash can without hitting the rim. What should you do if you run over a banjo? Back up, pull forward, back up... What is the best & fastest way improve the tune on a banjo? With wire cutters! A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve banjo players here?" "sure do ," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker for my 'gator." You're lost in the desert and you see the Easter Bunny, a cactus, and a really good banjo player. Whom do you ask for directions? You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination. What can you never say about a banjo player? There's the banjo player's Porsche. A few years ago a lost group of banjo players were discovered on a remote island in the Pacific. When asked how they survived for so long, they answered, "from the supplies dropped by the helicopters..." A cannibal went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of the brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher, "How much for fiddle player brain?" "2 dollars an ounce." "How much for mandolin player brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for guitar player brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for banjo player brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why does it cost so much more for the banjo player brain?" "Do you know how many banjo player it takes to get one ounce of brain?" Why do banjo player prefer picking instead of strumming their banjos? It's easier to transfer a skill than to learn a new one. There's nothing better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner..." What's the difference between a banjo player and a savings bond? A savings bond eventually matures and earns money. How many banjo jokes are there in existence? Only three, the rest are true stories. Why was the banjo player staring intently at the orange juice? Because it said, "Concentrate." How is a banjo player's gig like a courtroom trial? Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed! Why don't banjo players play hide-and-go-seek? Cause nobody goes to find them. What do you call a skeleton of a banjo player found in a closet? Last years hide-and-go-seek champion. What has 16 legs & 8 teeth.
The front row of a banjo workshop. Three high rise construction
workers are eating lunch, one of course being a banjo player. "If
I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump!"
they each exclaim one after the other as they open their lunch pails sitting
on a steel girder high atop a half finished building. The next day, one
by one they each open their lunch. Sure enough the banjo player has
another bologna sandwich & jumps off. "Wow! I really feel sorry
for that poor guy..." "Ahh, don't feel sorry for him, he makes
his own lunch!" Top Country Hits of All Times: Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life Fundamental Rules of Blues Music
If you're new to Blues music, or you like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules > >1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..." > >2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town." > >3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then, find something that rhymes -- sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound." > >4. The Blues is not about choice. "You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out." > >5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. > >6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. > >7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N'awlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain. > >8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is. > >9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. > >10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway, b. jailhouse, c. empty bed, d. bottom of a whiskey glass. > >11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's, b. gallery openings, c. Ivy League institutions, d. golf courses. > >12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it. > >13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt, b. you're blind, c. you shot a man in Memphis, d. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you have all your teeth, b. you were once blind but now can see, c. the man in Memphis lived, d. you have a 401 K or trust fund. > >14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues. > >15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine, b. whiskey or bourbon, c. muddy water, d. black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier, b. Chardonnay, c. Snapple, d. Slim Fast. > >16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction. > >17. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie, b.Big Mama, c. Bessie, d.Jennie. > >18. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe, b. Willie, c. Little Willie, d. Big Willie. > >19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. > >20. Blues Name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Lame, etc.), b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.), c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson, etc. > >21. I don't care how tragic your life is; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry. ________________________________________________
New and Improved Effects Pedals for Musicians
Time distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer. Can also be achieved by ineptitude. Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of mistakes down one octave so that the audience thinks it was the bass player. Depander: Filters out popular cover songs. Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament. Active pickups: Amplifies "signals" sent to attractive audience members. Fluff box:: Filters out excessive musical substance. Rehash: Stores and plays back your favorite riffs constantly and forever. Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out "constructive criticism." Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual advances between band members. Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor. Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as other guitarists by injecting them with nerve toxins.
The jokes posted to this Humor site should be "family-friendly". If you find any that jokes that are not clean or ones that are copyrighted by someone, please contact DirectQuest and let us know so we can remove them.
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| Last Update September 09, 2007 |
