Directory Of Humor

MOTHER JOKES 

And I've been writinng down a lot of thoughts, . I want to write a story, but to encourage people, but, well....I've planned to write stories before. Stories - 0, Ryan - 0. hehe

I hope each of you are well. I feel like I have a lot less to offer you because my strength is starting to come from other places than God, while yours is from faith. faith still from faith

- and jumping around screaming the song being played during cleanup - singing , but I think of you, even if I don't have much to say. You've all been awesome, it's nice to know you care, people care about me, even though I don't know how to care for you.

Maybe we'll end up on very similar paths tho. My hope and only aim is to live all out for the cause of Love. , letting go of myself and taking reaching out to the world 1 John 4:16, iI think, tells me that your goals are to serve Love as well, for God is Love. I hope our paths converge somewhere along the way, if not in faith, at least in action.

I don't know whether to say I'm open for visits or not.This isn't goodbye...I don't really know what comeI wish you all the best.
, and hope to see you randomly =)

Your brother in Love,Ryagoodbye? hello? farewell? see you soon?of grief and depression c...I'm just taking things day by day, and trying to discover the tri secrets to letting go of myself. You might say I'm my own psychologist. Except that I have one already =)and suffering says maialea, augI just wrote you all this MONSTROUS email and drafted it and it didn't show up in my draft folder! I'm so getting new email a Maybe they do this to get alums to stop using up dson space =P

hehe hey all. So I'm gonna get the quickie breakdown.

I'm no longer your brother in Christ. I've been vacillating for a long time and wanted more than anything for God to be true, but I don't believe the God of the Bible is ain anymore. Beyond that I have no idea, but you could call me an anymore. I think He contradicts hHimself. I finally wriote down everything I thought about the scriptures on hell the other day and came to some conclusionsmy firm conclusion.

It's been difficult figuring out how to replace my faith, which has had incredible effects on me. I'm learI desire to M My desire and only aim is to let go of myself and reach out to the world with all msuffering y strength. I'm discovering, I think, how to do that again.

Right now I'm busy as all getup. ! Working a TONG around the house, ton job at the locaal theater (definitely not a post-college job, hehe), raquetball and workouts at the gym with a friend who's here, taking a summer course hopefully to be followed by my final course - at penn state abington. yeah it's busy. where I jump around sing bounce off the walls singing the song on during cleanup, it's a fun group but

Anyways, I love you guys, but don't know that I can how my change will affect our relationships. I don't need anyone trying to tell me how returning to faith would change my life - I know it would, but I can't return to something I don't believe it. Our lives are growing apart there I guess...but I hope our paths converge in the future, if not in faith, then in since action. We're called to the same thing - to serve Love, for me because it's it's inescapable, the world is in such pain, and for you perhaps for the same reason but even if not then because you are called to serve your God, and God is Love (1Jn 4:16). I hope we all grow together to be different and apart from the pattern of this world, ...we have the power to make things better, if we persist.

I love you , and wish you suffering that you might strength to accept the suffering that comes with serving Love fully.

Sorry I wrote you all at once, I'm short on time mom's already calling and I wanted to let you all know that even though I haven't known what to write in response to your mails, I think of you, and love you.

RyanWanda, Josh, Wanda, Lewis, Josh, Josh, Wanda, Anne, Saraah, Lewis =)D so as not to cause I have no time to write all that again...

Hey Wanda! THey, just wanted to respond briefly to ur mails too...

Al Hamm can email dcf at dcf#@dickinson.edu =) Sorry not sure on a number. If he called Josh he could prob get one.

Josh is 243-1702 and I left your dad's jacket hanging in the closet, I'm really sorry I haven't gotten back yet. I don't drive well on the medications I'm taking You can probably just walk right in if you want to get it before I go back (I was expecting to have been back long ago already) - don't know about the new roomie but tho so prob ask Josh first - 717-243-1702

Thanks for your concern...I guess there's been a lot to be concerned about leading up to recently. But I'm finding strength and getting myself on the right track, it's wonderful. I'm glad you're well and workin hard, say hello and plz apologize to your dad for me, I feel awful.

Lots of love,Ryan

Hey Saraah...you're wonderful -(=D Jon's lucky to have found you, and you him. I wish I'd been at your wedding...know that I wish you everything all kinds of joy on your co-mission together. I wrote down about hell and why

I don't believe Thanks for bein such an awesome friend. You never stopped reaching out to me, and I love you for it.

Your brother in Love,Ryaso can i just say, that was the coolest card ever!?!! thanks dudesy. ahhh....life is interesting, huh? hehe 2 weeks ago I wanted to kill myself, now I want to save the world. . Hope you're well and having a great time at school. growing in at Don't forget to live your faith always, whatever kind it is.

Still lovin the turban,
Richard R. Richard RiieRicharichard VIII

 

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Mom's Dictionary 

 AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through 
 labor to make love again. 
 
 DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. 
 
 FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper 
 distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. 
 
 FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't 
 appreciate the strained carrots. 
 
 FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. 
 
 GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful 
 even though they're sure you're not raising them right. 
 
 HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. 
 
 IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. 
 
 INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do 
 everything we say. 
 
 OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. 
 
 PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies 
 wearing dry shoes into it. 
 
 SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. 
 
 STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling 
 it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. 
 
 TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman 
 pajamas. 
 
 TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she 
 begins to make those familiar grunting noises. 
 
 VERBAL: able to whine in words 
 
 WEEKEND: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the 
 laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc. 
 
 WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house... 
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"If they had a Jewish Mother"


 MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a simple cap like the other kids?"
 MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
 ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
 JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew." 
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LESSONS FROM MOM 

Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
You are going to get it when we get home.
and my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU, then you'll see
what it's like."
My mother taught me IRONY - 
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE WHAT I HAVE - 
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other off, do it outside -I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
 "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
 "If you don't   straighten up, I'm going to knock you to the middle of next week!
"My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 
My mother taught me OSMOSIS - 
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me LOVE -
"You know that whatever happens, I'll always stand behind you."
My mother taught me about the FOOD GROUPS - 
"If you put one foot outside that door, you're not getting any dessert tonite"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR PROGRAMMING -
 "Stop acting like your father!"
 My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
 "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
 My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
 My mother taught me LOGIC:
 "Because I said so, that's why."
 My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
 "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
 My mother taught me IRONY -
 "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
 My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
 "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
 My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
 "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
 My mother taught me about STAMINA -
 "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
 My mother taught me about WEATHER -
 "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
 My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
 "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
  My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
 "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
 My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
 "Stop acting like your father!"
 My mother taught me about ENVY -
 "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have any vegetables at ALL to eat.
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Mothers

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION."You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER."This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY."If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE."I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION."Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION."Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING."You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
_______________________________

One afternoon a man came home from work to find  total mayhem in his  house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in  the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.    Proceeding into the entryway , he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded  against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.  In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter& floor , dog food was spilled besidde the bowls, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried  she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"   She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply.  She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

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Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
 Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
 Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
 Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
 Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."
 Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy  to Mom...
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 The Images of Mother
 4 YEARS OF AGE   ~ My Mommy can do anything!
 8 YEARS OF AGE   ~ My Mom knows a lot!  A whole lot!
 12 YEARS OF AGE  ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
 14 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
 16 YEARS OF AGE  ~ My Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
 18 YEARS OF AGE  ~ That old woman? She's way out of it!
 25 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
 35 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
 45 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
 65 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom
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Mean Moms

All moms are mean for a reason. As we grow into adults we know why our moms were mean. Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them:

 I loved you enough.
..to ask where you were going, with whom and what time you would be home.
...to insist that you save your money and buy a bike for yourself even though we could afford to buy one for you.
....to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.
...to make you go pay for the bubble gum you had taken and tell the clerk, "I stole this yesterday and want to pay for it."
...to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.
...to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.
...to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.
...to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.
Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them because in the end you won, too. And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.
When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.
And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison.
She had to know who our friends were and what we were doing with them.
She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.
We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labour Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.
She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds. Then, life was really tough!
Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.
While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.
Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced.
None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.
Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults.
We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was.
I think that is what's wrong with the world today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms.
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POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama , Mommy   
JOB DESCRIPTION:    Long term position . Team players  needed  for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work long , variable hours,  including  evenings and weekends . Some travel required.         
 RESPONSIBILITIES :       The applicant will have frequent 24 hour shifts and  must be willing to travel - including trips to primitive sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. (Travel expenses not reimbursed). Extensive courier duties are standard. Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to  carry & manage the items for several others besides yourself. Must possess sufficient speed to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must  have technical skills to perform assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices and be able to repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, stuck zippers , mal-functioning computer games , etc.   Must  maintain calendars , coordinate production of multiple homework projects , plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and  interests . Must screen phone calls,  monitor computer messaging systems and manage all activities in and out of the place of work as well as all phases of janitorial work throughout the facility. Medical  background helpful as applicant must be able to diagnose, understand and administer treatment for all types of illnesses, including injury to the ego and the spirit.   Applicant must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must be willing to be hated (exceptions are made when money is needed  by clients for something specific).  Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly .  Must maintain sunny outlook despite  client's repeated  failures to comply with basic   rules. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.     POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &  PROMOTION: Virtually none - despite the need  to continually retrain and   update your  personal  skills as well as provide training to those in your charge  so they  can ultimately surpass you .  PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required .  On-the-job training offered on a  continual, exhausting basis.  WAGES AND COMPENSATION:  Unusual Compensation plan - you  actually  pay  clients !  And  also offer  frequent raises and bonuses as incentives to comply with the minimal standards you have set . A balloon payment  will be due  at approximately age 17-18 in the hopes that college might help  clients  become financially independent  (  - which it rarely will .  )   Continued aid through both hard times and good will leave you with little, but this remaining amount you will give them when you die, while apologizing that it is not  as much as you would have liked to give. BENEFITS:  No  health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered;   limitless opportunities for personal growth , smiles, memories  and free hugs  for life are among the benefits you will receive.   Early application recommended. _______________________________________________