Directory Of Humor

MEN & WOMEN  JOKES 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh, Killed any yet?" She asked.
"Yup, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 

*Doily Box*

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's

ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and

asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old

and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found

the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box

to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the

day we married," she explained.

"She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I

got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him

twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

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>
>A man and his wife were having an argument about who should
> > brew the coffee each morning.
> >
> > The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
> > and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
> >
> > The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around
> > here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait
> > for my coffee."
> >
> > Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the
> > Bible that the man should do the coffee.There is a whole section devoted to the topic."
> >
> > Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
> >
> > So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and
> > shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .
> >
> >
> > "HEBREWS"
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It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?" The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?" "That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice." "Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker. "What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it? And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
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Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?""Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." "There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris. "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Dave." "Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris. "Because I married his widow."
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"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart
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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic."Here is the situation," she said."A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
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Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
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On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: Two Italian men and one Italian woman Two French men and one French woman Two German men and one German woman Two Greek men and one Greek woman Two English men and one English woman Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman Two Irish men and one Irish woman Two American men and one American woman One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddamn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of *&^^% nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping...
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*The Difference Between Men and Women*

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then, there is silence in the car. To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs. And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their... "Fred," Martha says aloud. "What?" says Fred, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Fred. "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Fred. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says. "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Fred. "That way about time," says Martha. "Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Fred," she says. "Thank you," says Fred. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?" And that's the difference between men and women.

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Portrait for Posterity

 An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond ear rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."  "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'll re-marry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry," she explained.
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THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES 
Are you tired of the battle between the sexes? Men and women are different,
there's no question about it. Instead of focusing on the negatives of each
other, why not celebrate the positive qualities of each? 

Let's start with the Ladies: 

Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring. Women cry when they are happy. Women are always doing little things to show they care. They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children
(best school, best prom dress, best dentist) Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly stand up. They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion. Women know how to get the most for their money They know how to comfort a sick friend. Women bring joy and laughter to the world. The know how to entertain children for hours on end! They are honest and loyal. Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior. They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need. Women are easily brought to tears by injustice. They know how to make a man feel like a king. Women make the world a much happier place to live. . Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. Women volunteer for good causes. They are pink ladies in hospitals. They bring food to shut-ins. . They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They are in the front row at PTA meetings. They vote for the person that will do the best job for family issues. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They write to the editor, their congressmen and to the "powers that be" for things that make for a better life. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They stick a love note in their lover's lunch box. They do without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. . They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

Now, for the Men: 

Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders
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GENDER ASSIGNMENTS 
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up AND because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. AND because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines time after time to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female ... Ha! ... you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

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First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
> > Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'" After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.

 Ruined the whole dang thing.
>

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RULES FOR MEN - THE POINT SYSTEM 

 SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed...........................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillow.. 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets................-1
 You leave the toilet seat up...............................-5
 You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty.......... 0
 When toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to kleenex....-1
 When kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom............-2
 You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
You go out  in the snow................................................+8
but return with beer.......................................-5
 and no liners..............................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.................. 0
You check out suspicious noise and it's nothing............ 0
You check out suspicious noise and it's something..........+5
 You pummel it with a six iron..............................+10
 It's her cat...............................................-40
You stay by her side the entire party......................0
You stay by her side a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........-2
Named Tiffany..............................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer........................................-10
 With breast implants.......................................-18
 HER BIRTHDAY
 You remember her birthday..................................0
 You buy a card and flowers.................................0
You take her out to dinner.................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar......+1
 Okay, it's a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all you can eat night............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all you can eat night, and your face is painted
 the colors of your favorite team..................-10
 A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
 Go with a pal............................................. 0
The pal is happily married................................+1
The pal is single.........................................-7
 He drives a Ferrari.......................................-10
 With a personalized licence plate (GR8 NBED)..............-15
 A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
 You take her to a movie...................................+2
 You take her to a movie she likes.........................+4
 You take her to a movie you hate..........................+6
 You take her to a movie you like..........................-2
 It's called "Death Cop 3".................................-3
 Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....................-9
 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
 YOUR PHYSIQUE
 You develop a noticeable pot belly........................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
 You develop a noticeable pot belly & resort to loose jeans & baggy
Hawaiian shirts...........................................-30
 You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too!"...........-800
 THE BIG QUESTION
 She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
 You hesitate in responding.................................-10
 You reply "Where?".........................................-35
 You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....................-100
 Any other response.........................................-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression............... 0
 You listen, for over 30 minutes.............................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience....+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying," Well, what
do you think I should do?".............................-50
 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.........-200

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WHAT WOMEN WANT IN A MAN

What women Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
 1. Handsome
 2. Charming
 3. Financially successful.
 4. A caring  listener
 5. Witty
 6. In good shape
 7. Dresses with style
 8. Appreciates finer  things
 9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An  imaginative, romantic lover

 What Women Want in a  Man, Revised List (age 32)
 1. Nice looking-prefer hair  on his head
 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
 4. Listens more than  talks
 5. Laughs at my jokes
 6. Carries bags of  groceries with ease
 7. Owns at least one tie
 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
 9. Remembers birthdays  and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

 What women Want in a  Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly-bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive  off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady-splurges on dinner out  occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5.  Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough  shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers  his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10.  Shaves on most weekends

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age  52)
 1. Keeps hair  in nose and ears trimmed
 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
 3. Doesn't borrow money too often
 4. Doesn't  nod off to sleep when I'm venting
 5. Doesn't re-tell the same  joke too many times
 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch  on weekends
 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
 9. Remembers  your name on occasion
 10. Shaves some weekends

 What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age  62)
 1.Doesn't scare small children
 2.  Remembers where bathroom is
 3. Doesn't require much money for  upkeep
 4. Only snores lightly when asleep
 5.  Remembers why he's laughing
 6. Is in good enough shape to stand  up by himself
 7. Usually wears some clothes
 8.  Likes soft foods
 9. Remembers where he left his teeth
 10. Remembers that it's the weekend

 What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
 1. Breathing
 2. Doesn't miss the  toilet
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THREE MEN HIKING IN THE WOODS
 Three men are hiking through the woods, and they come to a raging river. The water is so deep and so fast that it seems impossible to cross. The first man offers a prayer, "Please, Lord, give me the strength to cross this river." The Lord decides that this is a reasonable request. A cloud settles over the man, and when it lifts, he is taller, with legs like tree trunks and massive arms. He struggles across the river, and after 4 hours, he makes it across the river. The second man offers a prayer, "Please, Lord,  give me the strength and the ability to cross this river." The Lord decides that this is a reasonable request, a cloud settles over the man, and when it lifts, he has massive arms, and there is a rowboat next to him. He struggles across the river, and after 3 hours, he makes it across the river. The third man offers a prayer, "Please, Lord, give me the strength, ability and the wisdom to cross this river." The Lord decides this is a reasonable request, a cloud settles around the man, and when it lifts, he has been changed into a woman. She looks at a map, walks 100 yards downstream, and crosses the bridge.
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THE TRANSFORMATION

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."  While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The  walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small  circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last  number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse  order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son "Go get your mother."

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BRAIN TRANSPLANT

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
 length of time, someone asked, "Well, if a brain transplant is absolutely required how much does a brain cost?"  The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence -"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
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ROLE REVERSAL 

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of  the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
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THE RX
A man goes to the doctor, who examines him.  The doc then asks the man to wait outside, and talks to the man's wife: "Your husband has a very rare and life-threatening disease.  Only you can help him."
"Me?" says the woman, "What can I do?"   "Well," says the doc, "He needs a completely stress-free environment. Therefore, each day when he comes home from work, you must be dressed up nicely, and have his favorite meal ready on the table for him. You must never argue or nag him about anything, and under no circumstances should you ever ask him to do any chores around the house.  You must be ready
to meet his every need." When she returns the husband asks, "So what did the doctor say, Honey?"
"He said you're going to die."
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SET THEM FREE 
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with - But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free then you either married it or gave birth to it.

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GOING TO BED

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting
late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen:
*made sandwiches for the next day's lunches,* rinsed out the popcorn bowls, * took meat out of the freezer for supper the following  evening,* checked the cereal box levels,* filled the sugar container,* put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot  for brewing the next morning.* put some wet clothes in the dryer,* put a load of clothes into the wash,* ironed a shirt for the morning  and secured a loose button.* picked up the game pieces left on the table,* put the telephone book back into the drawer.* watered the plants,* emptied a wastebasket* hung up a towel to dry* yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
* stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher,* counted out some cash for the field trip,* pulled a textbook  from  under the chair & put it in a knapsack.* signed a birthday card for a friend,* addressed and stamped the envelope * wrote a quick note for the grocery store.* put both near her purse.

Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.  Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said.
* She put some water into the dog's dish and brought  the cat inside, *  made sure the doors were locked. *looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, * hung up a shirt, * threw some dirty socks in the hamper,* had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
* In her own room, she set the alarm, * laid out clothing for the next day, * straightened up the shoe rack.
* added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular, "I'm going to bed." And he  did... 
  _______________________________________________
ABOUT MEN/ WOMEN/ MARRIAGE ETC 

I married Prince Charming's younger brother Lester - Oh yes He is definitely Les Charming
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>My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all
._____________________________________________
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep
_____________________________________________
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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 Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
_____________________________________________
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.  The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
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Women can fake orgasms it's true - but men - wow - men can fake whole relationships
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Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
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  If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.   Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
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Did you hear about the latest Barbie -- "Divorced Barbie" She's pretty much the same as all the rest - she just comes with all of Ken's stuff!
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THE RULES OF THE UNIVERSE
1. The female always makes the rules
2. Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
    immediately change some or all of the rules
5. The female is never wrong
6. The female can change her mind at any given time.
7. The male can never change his mind without express
     written consent of the female.
8. The female has every right to be angry or upset.
9. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding
which is a direct result of something the male did or said.
10. If number 9 applies , then male must apologize immediately for
   causing the misunderstanding.
11. The male must remain calm at all times unless the female
    wants him to be angry or upset
12. The female must under no circumstances allow the male
       to know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
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The Good Fairy 

 A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th  birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
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COUNSELING
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.   He stood up, went over to the women, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"  The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

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FANTASIES

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

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ADAM & GOD

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??" God said an "arm and a leg." Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib???" The rest is history

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CRASH COURSE 

The airplane was about to crash. Suddenly a hysterical voice from the rear is heard screaming "before I die, is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" A gorgeous hunk in the front gets up and starts walking down the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt as he goes. Naked from the waist up, he stops in front of the hysterical woman, holds out the shirt, and says "Here, iron this!"

 and the opposite version.........
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EVERY WOMAN'S DREAM COME TRUE

 A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The woman considered his proposition for a moment,  withdrew a handful of money from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Clean my house.'


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DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN !!!!

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing relief to other discontented women. You must realize, if you break the chain, you spoil it for everyone. Some chain letters are costly or may even be illegal. This letter is not like the others. You need send NO MONEY through the mail. Simply bundle up your husband ( or boyfriend) and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then delete the top name, put your name in at the bottom and send copies of this letter to 50 of your closest friends, who are also fed-up. When your name  comes to the top, you will receive 16,877 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you've got now.  Remember, do NOT break the chain !! One woman did - and she got her own lazy, good-for-nothing back. As of last Tuesday , a friend of mine had already received 184 men. They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 86 hours to get the smile off her face. Please follows these instructions right away, so my name can move up fast!

Sincerely, Hope Ugetit

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THE RABBI'S ADVICE
Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"> The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's > poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll > > see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to> your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want> my advice?" The man anxiously says, "Yes." "Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
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THE GENIE & THE BRIDGE

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of  these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always  wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's just about impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, not much chance of that , think of another wish."  The man said " OK well - I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. Know how they feel inside and what they're thinking  when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know  what they really want when they say 'nothing' ....know how to make them truly happy...."  The genie thought for a moment then said "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

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Dear Tide:  

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used  
it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was  
the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!  
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new  
white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to  
berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming  
a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended  
up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.  

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it  
just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket,  
I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach, and to my  
surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact,  
the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday  
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and then  
my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered  
a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.  

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without  
being a murder suspect, too ! I thank you, once again, for having such  
a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to  
the Hefty bag people...

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WHO SAID WOMEN CAN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS?

From an actual 1950's text book to teach them about married life:

(Make sure you read the updated 2000 version at the bottom. )

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal-on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome they need.
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift , too.
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the childrens' hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS. Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
 THE UPDATED VERSION FOR THE WOMAN OF the 21st Century
: 1. Plan for dinner. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to go and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to prepare for your mood.
2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the Clinique counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth.
3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.
5. Minimize the noise. If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in front of the television with remote clicker in your hand.
6. Some DON'TS. Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and he can do his own dishes.
7. Make him comfortable. Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him. But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment. Go with a friend or go shopping. Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out".
10. The Goal. Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong.
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The Difference Between Men and Women*

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then, there is silence in the car. To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...those crooks. And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their... "Fred," Martha says aloud. "What?" says Fred, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Fred. "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Fred. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says. "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Fred. "That way about time," says Martha. "Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Fred," she says. "Thank you," says Fred. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of.   A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?" And that's the difference between men and women.

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Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone on the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor?

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and of course, that there is no such thing as a perfect man.

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TO SEND IN MAIL  -  DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN  !!!!  

This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of

bringing relief to other discontented women. You must

realize, if you break the chain, you spoil it for everyone.

Some chain letters are costly  or may even be illegal.  This

letter is not like the others.  You need send NO MONEY

through the mail.  Simply bundle up your husband ( or

boyfriend)  and send him to the woman whose name appears at

the top of the list.  Then delete the top name, put your name

in at the  bottom and send copies of this letter to 50 of

your closest friends, who are also fed-up.  When your name

comes to the top, you will receive 16,877 men.  One of them

is bound to be better than the one you've got now.

      Remember, do NOT break the chain !!  One woman did - and

she got her own lazy, good-for-nothing back.  As of last

Tuesday , a friend of mine had already received 184 men.

They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 86

hours to get the smile off her face.

      Please follows these instructions right away, so my name

can move up fast!

                   Sincerely,

                           Hope Ugetit  
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A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in

the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and

begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion,

knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she

ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked,

"To draw out all his savings?"