Why Men Are Not Good Secretaries
Husband's note on refrigerator to his
wife:
"Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the
Pabst beer is
normal".
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Because I'm A Man.....
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long
after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is not an option. I will win.
>
_____Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these
things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where
to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
____ Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to >bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and >moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
_____Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under
any >circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene
product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys >cumin is a spice and not a bodily
function) ___________________________________________________ Because I'm a man,
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair
person gets here and has to put it back together.
___________________________________________________ > >Because I'm a man, I must
hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has
been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was
able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly. >
___________________________________________________ >Because I'm a man, there is
no need to ask me what I'm >thinking about. The answer is always either sex,
cars or >football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
> ___________________________________________________ >Because I'm a man, I do
not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her
when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her
for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up
something for my mother too. >
___________________________________________________ >Because I'm a man, you
don't have to ask me if I liked the >movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the
end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will
certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others. >
___________________________________________________ >Because I'm a man, I think
what you're wearing is fine. I >thought what you were wearing five minutes ago
was fine, >too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks
fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
>___________________________________________________ >Because I'm a man, and
this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You
just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in
the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
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THE RULES ( From a man's point of view)
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it is up, put it down.We
need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It is like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it
be.
Shopping is not a sport, and we will never view it that way. We'd prefer a
root canal to an afternoon at the mall.
Crying is blackmail. Ask us for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one:subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar.
Remind us frequently right before any important event.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes, tops. What makes you think we'd be any good
at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Check your oil! Please.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all
comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like
the guys in the soap operas.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you
sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were
going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have no idea
what mauve or taupe is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like
nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as navel lint, the infield fly rule, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the magazine quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
but we don't really mind that, it's like camping.
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Cooking Up Trouble
==================
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted
from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do
anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a
clean dish and....'"
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Why Men are Proud of Themselves
We know stuff about tanks
A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
We can open all our own jars
We can go to the bathroom without a support group
We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
We can leave a motel bed unmade
We can kill our own food
We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
Underwear is $10 a three-pack
If we are 34 and single nobody notices
Everything on our faces stays the original color
We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
Car mechanics tell us the truth
Same work-more pay
We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
We can do our nails with a pocketknife
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on
the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
Phone conversations last 30 seconds
Old friends don't care if we've lost or gained weight
When surfing channels, we don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
We never have to clean the toilet.
We can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Flowers & duct tape can fix everything.
One mood, all the time.
Wedding dress; $2000, Tux rental; 100 bucks.
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The Perfect Husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes."- "Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks
from where you are.
I saw a beautiful mink coat... It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy
it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00" "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..." "And I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
2006 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the
salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the
BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."- "Great!, before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank
account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!!
Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."- "How much are they asking?"- "Only $1,450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have
that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $1,420,000.
OK?"- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love
you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's
flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those
present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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A single girl's lament :
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no
money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are
only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The
handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don t think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have
some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE
and automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
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Men Are Like.......
Men are like.....Blenders.
You're pretty sure you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee
At their best they are rich, warm, and keep you up all night.
Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores.
Much more fun when their clothes are be half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take forever to mature.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long
they will last.
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MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
The airplane was about to crash. Suddenly a hysterical voice from the rear is heard screaming
"before I die, is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
woman?" A gorgeous hunk in the front gets up and starts walking down the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt as he goes. Naked from the
waist up, he stops in front of the hysterical woman, holds out the shirt, and says "Here, iron this!"
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Cooking Up Trouble
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"
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Rules for Buying Gifts for Men
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has
one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can
never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or
socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow
your
ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket
yet?" Again,
no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice
scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view
mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was
told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented
Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If
you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in
the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm
told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. They are almost as good as cordless drills. Within a
couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts.
Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the
box. It will
ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home
Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and
Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if
he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need.
Hey!
Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook-but they will barbecue. Get him a
monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.
"Oh
the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate
tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows
why.
Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't
know why-please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder.
Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows
why.
Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy
Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one
knows
why.
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MORE ABOUT MEN
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do
the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop and ask for directions.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds eventually will mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It has never been done.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
When do you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.
Why are married women usually heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Tape the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
A: "I can do better than THAT!".
What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect".
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're all married.
.Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?
"God says, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man
says, "why did you make her so dumb?""God says, "So she
would love you!".
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