Directory Of Humor

Love JOKES 

How to Install Love

Customer Service Rep: Yes, Ma'am, how can I help you today?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to
install love.  Can you guide me through the process?

CS Rep: Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm
ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you
located your HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs
running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE,
GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE
from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs.  LOVE will
eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called
HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE.  However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE
and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly
installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me
how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke
FORGIVENESS.EXE.  Do

this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and
RESENTMENT.COM  have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself
automatically.  Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will
reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
program. You need to begin connecting to other Heart's in
order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should
I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL
COMPONENTS."  What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means
that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but
has not yet been run on your HEART.  It is one of those
complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms
it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it
can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you pull down the directory called
"SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent. You're getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and
then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC,
REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC.  The
system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin
patching any programming. Also, you need to delete
VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty
your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new
files.  SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and
it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying
themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?

CS Rep: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but
eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time.  
So, LOVE is installed and running.  You should be able to
handle it from here. One more thing before I go.

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various
modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with
other people and they will return some similarly cool modules
back to you.

Customer: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what's
your name?

CS Rep: You can call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known
as The Great Physician, but most call me God. Most people feel
all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy, but
the manufacturer (Me) suggests a schedule of daily maintenance
for maximum efficiency.  Put another way ... keep in touch.

 

________________

THE ROSES
Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine" like all the years before.
Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow, with every passingyear."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.
She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.
A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she askedhim, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?
"I know your husband passed away,more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you'd call, and you would want to know.
The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance.
There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago.
Then, should ever I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.
Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome.
I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife.
You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years.
When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still.
Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered when the florist stops to knock.
He will come five times that day,in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again.
_______________________________________________________

LOVE
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand .
_________________________________________