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Kids JOKES Subject:
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama , Mommy JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term position . Team
players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be
willing to work long , variable hours, including evenings and weekends . Some
travel required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The applicant will have frequent 24 hour
shifts and must be willing to travel - including trips to primitive sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. (Travel
expenses not reimbursed). Extensive courier duties are standard. Must possess
the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to carry & manage the items
for several others besides yourself. Must possess sufficient speed to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must have technical skills to perform assembly and
product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery
operated devices and be able to repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, stuck
zippers , mal-functioning computer games , etc. Must maintain calendars ,
coordinate production of multiple homework projects , plan and organize social
gatherings for clients of all ages and interests . Must screen phone calls,
monitor computer messaging systems and manage all activities in and out of the
place of work as well as all phases of janitorial work throughout the facility.
Medical background helpful as applicant must be able to diagnose, understand and
administer treatment for all types of illnesses, including injury to the ego and
the spirit. Applicant must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next. Must be willing to be hated (exceptions are made when
money is needed by clients for something specific). Must be willing to bite
tongue repeatedly . Must maintain sunny outlook despite client's repeated
failures to comply with basic rules. Must assume final, complete accountability
for the quality of the end product. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none - despite the need to continually retrain and update your
personal skills as well as provide training to those in your charge so they can
ultimately surpass you . PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required . On-the-job
training offered on a continual, exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Unusual Compensation plan - you actually pay clients ! And also offer frequent
raises and bonuses as incentives to comply with the minimal standards you have
set . A balloon payment will be due at approximately age 17-18 in the hopes that
college might help clients become financially independent ( - which it rarely
will . ) Continued aid through both hard times and good will leave you with
little, but this remaining amount you will give them when you die, while
apologizing that it is not as much as you would have liked to give. BENEFITS: No
health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid
holidays and no stock options are offered; limitless opportunities for personal
growth , smiles, memories and free hugs for life are among the benefits you will
receive. Early application recommended. ____________________________________ CHILDREN and
raising them ******************** DIETS THE MIRACLE TODDLER DIET Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast
with grape jelly. Eat 2 Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
glass Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a
handful of Purina Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up
your left DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with
fingers, rub Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red
punch. Try FINAL DAY Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find &&&&&&&&&&&&&& ______________________________________________ Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The
nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the ______________________________________________ I see children as kites... you spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you are both breathless.. they crash.. you add a longer tail.. they hit the rooftop... you pluck them out of the spout. You patch them , comfort, adjust, guide and coax. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly. Finally they are airborne, but they need more string and you keep letting it out. With each twist of the ball of twine, there is a sadness that goes with the joy because the kite becomes more distant, and somehow you know it won't be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that bound you together and soar as it was meant to soar- free and alone. But only then do you know that you did your job. by Irma Bombeck ________________________ Cleaning your house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before
it stops snowing
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8) Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5) WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9) THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9) "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7) CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9) "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but therest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8) ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7) ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8) "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7) "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9) CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8) CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."(Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."(Regina, 10) THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8) SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6) "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9) HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9) "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9) WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8) HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10 "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6 "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? "Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8. "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7 "The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." "Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper- changing." Kirsten, age 10 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 "You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? > "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10 ________________________________________ First Graders rewrite the proverbs Better to be safe than.....................Punch a 5th grader Strike while the ................................Bug is close It's always darkest before..............Daylight Savings Time Never underestimate the power of.....................Termites You can lead a horse to water but........................how? Don't bite the hand that..........................looks dirty No news is.........................................impossible A miss is as good as a.. .................................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new...........................math If you lie down with dogs, you'll........stink in the morning Love all, trust............................................me The pen is mightier than the. ............................pigs An idle mind is.........................The best way to relax Where there's smoke there's.........................pollution Happy the bride who.................... gets all the presents A penny saved is.....................................not much Two's company, three's.........................the Musketeers Don't put off till tomorrow what......you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........... .................you have to blow your nose None are so blind as.............................Helen Keller Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box When the blind lead blind..................get out of the way And the favorite: Better late than.....................................pregnant _______________________________________ A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader. Strike while the......................................bug is close. It's always darkest before.......................daylight savings time. Never underestimate the power of............termites. You can lead a horse to water but ..........how? Don't bite the hand that..........................looks dirty. No news is...........................................impossible. A miss is as good as a..........................Mr. You can't teach an old dog...................math. If you lie down with dogs, you.................will stink in the morning. Love all, trust........................................me. The pen is mightier than.........................the pigs. An idle mind is......................................the best way to relax. Where there is smoke, there's................pollution. Happy is the bride who..........................gets all the presents. A penny saved is...................................not much. Two is company, three's........................The Musketeers. None are so blind as..............................Helen Keller. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed.....................get new batteries. You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box. When the blind lead the blind..................get out of the way. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......you have to blow your nose. _______________________________ Kids Instructions on Life Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10 When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12 Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.Rocky, Age 9 Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8 Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7 Don't flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10 Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your
parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9 Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16 Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a golf club. Joel, Age 12 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13 Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13 Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11 Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10 Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10 Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12 Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11 Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7 Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9 Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13 When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."Taylia,> age 11 "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, age 14 "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, age 15 "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, age 9
The jokes posted to this Humor site should be "family-friendly". If you find any that jokes that are not clean or ones that are copyrighted by someone, please contact DirectQuest and let us know so we can remove them.
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| Last Update September 09, 2007 |
