Directory Of Humor

SAINT PATRICK'S DAY

TOASTS
May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine upon your face and may the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Here's to Irish diplomacy -  the ability to tell a man to go to Hell in a way that makes him look forward to the trip.

May your hand ever be stretched out in friendship and never in want.

May you get to Heaven an hour before the devil knows you're gone.

May misfortune follow you all the days of your life --- and never catch up.

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JOKES
Knock knock - Who's there?  Irish  Irish Who  Irish I were a millionaire

Who's the Irish guy who hangs out in your backyard all summer ? Paddy O'Furniture  

How come the Irish only put 239 beans in their bean soup ?  Cause if they put in one more it would make it too-farty (240)

An Irishman  orders 3 pints of Guiness at a time  Finishes those then orders 3 more at a time.  The bartender says he's be glad to bring them one at a time so they're nice & cold  but the man tells him how he and his two brothers would always meet at a pub drink together & have good times.  Now that so much distance is between them they all agreed they'd drink that way in each other's honor.  After many months of this,  one day the man comes in and only orders 2 pints. With a heavy heart the bartender brings the two pints and offers his condolences, certain that something has happened to one of the brothers.  Do you mind if I ask what happened he says  -   Oh, says the Irishman, finally realizing,  " No nothing's happened to me brother - It's just that I've given up drinking for Lent.

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye." "Brenda, there was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...""Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...""Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guineas Stout and drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?""Well, Brenda......no.""No?""Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

An Irish guy walks into the bar & sits down beside another Irishman & orders a beer.  Say,  with that accent you must come from the Fair Isle - bonnie Ireland - am I right ?  "Right you are - County Dublin to be exact.  Well gosh and begora - so am I  says the first -  I'm from the tiniest village in the northernmost part of the county . " Why, so am I" says the second.    "You're putting me on " says  the first -  then ye might know me mother - the most beautiful woman in the county -  ?  "  I'm afraid, says  the other ' that it's Me Mum who's the fairest in all the county"   -  well the exchange gets quite heated at this point Finally one man throws back his chair and challenges the other to a fist fight outside.  A young girl having overheard it all pleads with the bartender to do something or one of them might get hurt.  Nah says the bartender Don't worry about them .... They're  the Clancy twins - they do this every week !

Tom Flannery !  says the priest --  Come here --- The members of our congregation tell me that next month you'll be celebrating 50 years of marriage --  "Tis true "  says Tom  -  "Then I must congratulate you says the priest - that is a truely wonderful thing -   Tell me - so I may share with those I counsel - what do you think is the secret of such a good long lasting marriage.  "well"  says Tom"  I think it's because I always tried my best to please her and give her whatever she wanted.  I brought her flowers and brought her jewelry  and the like,  and, for our 25th wedding anniversary,  I took her over to Ireland."   "That's wonderful" said the pastor - and how do you plan to celebrate the 50th"    " For that one, " says Tom "I'm going to bring her back!" 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city One night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone  deaf."

 Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and  she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father.. " The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!

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May not be sure there is a god, but is damn sure of the infallibility of the pope;
Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink gin for breakfast;
Believes everything he can't see and nothing he can;
Is very good at weekends, but not very good at the middle of the week;
Is against abortion but in favor of hanging;
Has such great respect for the truth, he uses it in emergencies;
Is irrational in important things, and a tower of strength in the trivial;
Gets married for life, but not necessarily for love;
Can argue either side of question, often at the same time;
Sees things not as they are, but as they never will be;
Believes in leprechauns and banshees and considers anyone who doesn't to be a heathen;
Can lick any man in the house he is the sole occupant of;
Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle;
Considers funerals a festivity but weddings sad events to be put off as long as possible, preferably forever;
Hates the English but reserves his cruelty for his countrymen;
Gets more Irish the farther he gets from Ireland;
Is not afraid of dying, in fact he might prefer it;
Believes that God is Irish or at least, Catholic;
Believes in civil rights, only not in his neighborhood;
Is against corruption, unless its a Democrat;
Take the pledge not to drink at the age of twelve, and every four years thereafter;
Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself;
Believes salvation can be achieved, by means of a weekly envelope;
Considers anyone who won't come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stubborn;
Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so damn inconvenient for his neighbors;
Considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interrupting;
Scorns money, but worships those who have it;
Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor;

The Irish are a very perverse, complex people. It's what makes them so lovable. They are banking heavily that God has a sense of humor!

PARTY
Decorations : Put  a huge rock  painted"Kiss Me" in pot and surrounded it with potted shamrocks..........of course...the"Blarney Stone".  

Irish songs..... When Irish Eyes / Danny Boy/

Food:  Irish Stew / corned beef and cabbage/carrots/pot,  huge green salad, green goddess dressing...lime jello with pears and pecans, shamrock cookies,  pistascio ice cream with green pound cake , Irish beer
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