Directory Of Humor

EASTER JOKES 

EASTER  
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The Rules of Chocolate

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands,
 you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices
 and strawberries all count as fruit, 
so eat as many as you want.

The problem: 
How to get two pounds of chocolate home
 from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in 
the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate,
 what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top
 of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they 
will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives.
 Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as
 Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because no one wants to quit.

Put eat chocolate at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
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JOKES WIT WISDOM ACTIVITIES ETC 

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell. The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell. The third blonde said,  "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."    Still no blondes in heaven...........

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ALL I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

         ...Don't put all your eggs in one basket
         ...Walk softly and carry a big carrot
         ...Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
         ...There's no such thing as too much candy
         ...All work and no play can make you a basket case
         ...A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
         ...Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
         ...Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
         ...Some body parts should be floppy
         ...Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans
         ...Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
         ...The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
        ...An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
         ...To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
        ....The best things in life are still sweet and gooey 

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A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter   bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Much to the man's  dismay, the poor bunny was dead. Just then, a woman (blonde) driving down the same highway, saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible" he explained. " I accidently hit the Easter Bunny and   killed him. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"   The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do.  She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp dead bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously, the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road .  50 yards away, the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved, and hopped down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, and hopped down the road another 50 yards, and waved again!!!The man was astonished!! He said to the woman, "What in heaven'sname is in your spray can?"The woman turned the spray can around so he could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." Happy Easter!!

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How do you say it's Easter in French???  - C'est une bonne idea     ( une bunny day)

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What does the Easter Bunny get each time he makes a basket??     ( Two points - just like everyone else)

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an anaesthesiologist?   The Ether Bunny

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Easter -  Man dies & goes to heaven Says only good thing about being dead is that he'll be able to see his son again.  Asks everyone.  No one in heaven has seen him.  Bumps into Jesus.  Jesus says " I just got here & I've been looking for my father too -Maybe I can help you -  what does your son look like" " He's got brown hair & holes in his hands and feet" Jesus stops him & says emotionally " Father!!!!"  The man holds out his arms & says  "Pinnochio"  
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 EASTER GAMES -

Egg rolling race  Roll egg along the ground with a long handled spoon

Egg on spoon  Make it hard-boiled check before starting & finish w/o any cracks  
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DECORATING IDEAS

COLORING EGGS

Boil  eggs in vinegar water - then just use regular food color  

Blow Eggs - pin holes in one end to blow - slightly larger hole in other end where yolk has to pass thru Blow out the yolk.  Be sure to stick long needle or skewer inside egg to break youlk so it passes more easily & fresher eggs have more supple yolks  They thicken if left out.  

Dab undiluted coloring with sponges  
Put undiluted coloring in baggie with egg and spread around.    
Color Egg then cover with black paint & scratch off a pattern    
Drip candle wax on top of egg  
Draw design with  clear or white wax crayon and  dip  
Dip in colors that go one level higher each in dipping cup to get striped effect  
Use gold string to wrap the with & length a time or two (glue on)  
Spray or coat with glue & sprinkle glitter on egg  
Natural colors : boil the following for 3-5 min in 2 cups boiling water cover eggs for 15 to 30 minutes  
  red- 1/2 c chopped cranberries 
  orange - onion skin 
  pink/purpleish - beet juice (straight - not in water) 
  yellow - purple onion skin 
  blue speckled - 2 tbsp strained chopped blueberries 
  tan - tea bag  
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EASTER FOOD

Bunny Cake -  2 round layers One is the face the other used to cut two ears and leaves the middle part to be used for a bow-tie Jelly Bean eyes Liquorice string whiskers and coconut sprinkles make fur on the frosting.  

Rabbits Nest or Bird nest cookies -
3 cups rice crispy cereal   1 cup shredded coconut   then heat:  
1/3 cup light corn syrup 1/2 cup brown sugar  3/4 cup peanut butter  
1 tsp vanilla  nmix with cereal / cool/ shape into nests/  fill with jelly beans for eggs  
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