Directory Of Humor

CHRISTMAS JOKES  

Christmas Humor  & misc other Christmas info 


__________________________________.
JOKES SHORT LIST (quick reminders of our favorites ) 
Perfect Man & Woman / Grandma lives at airport / Why leave cookies & Milk /    Knock knock  mary/  Knock knock Wayne/ Kraft Foods / Misletoe in Airport / Athletes foot - astronauts- /  Greeting Sheep at the holiday /French Greeting   ABCDEFGHIJKM / Why reindeer have bells/ Reindeer have something no other aninal has ../  Which of the 8 reindeer can jump higher than a house - all /   Womens gifts - good parents -looks- personality - cash /  Men's gifts  cordless drill - socket ratchet- remote control -label makers- auto pats store - tickets to any game  - extension ladder - rope (NO Chainsaws )  - Guy taking test to get into college & be on footbal team - Days of wk with 2 -  seconds in year - d's in rudolf (147) 
_________________________________________________
If atheletes get athletes foot - what do astronauts get?   mistletoe 
_________________________________________________
Why do they hang mistle toe over the  check in area at the airport - so you can kiss your luggage goodbye 
_________________________________________________
Why do reindeer have bell?  Their horns don't work 
__________________________________________________
Kraft Foods is opening new division in Isreal - Cheeses of Nazareth 
_________________________________________________
Why do we leave milk & Cookies out for Santa - He's a man  - 
you don't expect him to get them himself do you ? 
______________________________________________________

Husband calls son - Your mom & I are not having Christmas together this year We're divorcing - we can't stand each other  Son calls sister- Sister calls Dad & says don't do A THING  - Bob & I are coming right out . Dad hangs up phone & hollars to his wife " Honey, the kids are coming in for Christmas and they're paying their own way 
__________________________________________________
Name the 10th reindeer  - Olive ( "Olive, the other reindeer) 
_______________________________________
Boy gets on kindergarten bus & bus driver says was that your grandmother who hugged you goodbye at the door.  Yes, said  the boy ,  she's here to visit us for Christmas."  "That's nice said the bus driver. Where does she live? "   " She lives at the airport - we just go pick her up  whenever we want her." 
___________________________________________
Knock Knock Who's there ? Mary Mary who ? Mary Christmas !
___________________________________________
What is the proper way to greet sheep during the  Christmas Holiday?
Merry Christmas to ewe
___________________________
Why doesn't Santa like elevators -  because he's Clautraophobic 
____________________________________
If Basketball Player gets athletes foot - what does an astronaut get - Missle - toe 
_______________________________
Can you translate this French Christmas greeting 
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ      (No-L !!) !
______________________________________________________________
THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS  Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone on the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor? 
****************Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and of course, that there is no such thing as a perfect man.
____________________________________________
4 STAGES OF LIFE

1.  You believe in Santa Claus.
2.  You don't believe in Santa Claus.
 3.  You are Santa Claus.
 4.  You look like Santa Claus.
______________________________________
Guy  wants to join college football team - has top take test - 
They ask "How many T's in the days of the wk -  He says "duh - 2 Today & Tomorrow  -  Uh ok -they say let's  try again 
How many seconds in a year ?  He says "duh - 12 -----------------the  2nd of Jan 2nd of February etc   .   Hmmm they say, one more chance :
Ok last one - how many D's in Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer - 
Oh That's easy he says -  147 -  How  can there be 147 they ask  -  He starts to sing -   dee dee  dee dee dee dee dee , de de de de de de deeeee
____________________________________________________________
Knock Knock Who's there ? Wayne Wayne who ? Wayne in a manger... !
____________________________________
What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?  Baby reindeer !
___________________________________
What reindeer can jump higher than a house?  They all can! Houses can't jump
_________________________________
Gifts for Women - what they really need 
From Birth to age 18 a girl needs good parents  
From 18 to 35 she needs good looks  
from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality  
from 55 on she needs cash      - Sophie Tucker
______________________________________

Rules for Buying Gifts for Men
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has
one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can
never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. They are almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts  Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. 
Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey!
Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks." 
Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook-but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why-please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"  rope. No one knows  why.
_______________________________________

 CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees
and Fire and Hydrants and ...
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My
House
Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock ... and Rock .... and Rock ... and Rock ...
Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland ... Miles From My House
in My Slippers and Robe
Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus .. So I
Burned Down the House
Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas . While
I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
__________________________________________________
A  Legally Approved Christmas Card for you 

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all ...

... And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than
any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday
greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
_______________________________
A  Politically Correct Night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.

Secondhand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets ... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere ... even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
______________________________

________________________


I think Santa Claus is a woman.....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing  social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -with amazing calm -call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.  Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that they thought buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possible be a man: -Men can't pack a bag -Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. -Men would feel their masculinity threatened having to be seen with all those elves. -Men don't answer their mail -Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly" -Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them -Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. -

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men..... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking like a street person. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.  But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

It probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.......I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

_____________________________

Christmas & Channukah slated to merge:

______________________________________________________________________

Subject: holiday party


>Subject: Company Christmas Party
>
>
>FROM: Kim G., Human Resources Director
>TO: All Employees
>RE: Christmas Party
>DATE: December 1
>
>I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
>December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
>Barbecue. No  free bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
>playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
>surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
>
>=============================================
>
>FROM: Kim G., Human Resources Director
>DATE: December 2
>RE: Christmas Party
>
>In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
>
>However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
>applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
>
>Happy now?
>
>=============================================
>
>FROM: Kim G., Human Resources Director
>DATE: December 3
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
>requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
>accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
>Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
>
>Somebody?
>
>=============================================
>
>FROM: Kim G,, Human Resources Director
>DATE: December 7
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
>Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during
>daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
>luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
>beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
>the party - the days are so short this time of year-or else package
>everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
>
>Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
>farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
>closest to the restrooms.
>
>Did I miss anything?
>
>=============================================
>
>FROM: Kim G., Human Resources Director
>DATE: December 8
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
>tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
>of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try
>to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
>
>Okay???
>
>=============================================
>
>FROM: Kim G., Human Resources Director
>Date: December 9
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
>like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
>there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
>tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
>Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
>
>Could we lighten up?
>
>============================================
>
>FROM: Kim G., Human Resources Director
>DATE: December 10
>RE: Holiday Party
>
>Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
>party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
>sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
>quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including
>hydroponic tomatoes ... but you know, they have feelings, too.
>
>Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing
>them scream right now!
>
>
>
>=============================================
>
>FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
>DATE: December 14
>RE: Kim and Holiday Party
>
>I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Kim a speedy recovery from her
>stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
>the sanatorium.
>
>In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
>give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
>
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--- But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
____________________________
CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS YOU MAY (OR MAY NOT) WANT TO TRY
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law exchange the same pair of pants as a
Christmas present for 11 years, and each time the package gets harder to
open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot
cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now
Roy is plotting his revenge -- if he can get them out.

It all started when Roy received a pair of moleskin trousers from his
brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel, of Bensenville, Ill.  Larry's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather, and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Roy .
Roy, who called the moleskins "miserable," wore them three times, then
wrapped them up and gave them back to Larry for Christmas the next year.
The friendly exchange continued routinely until Roy twisted the pants
tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch-wide tube and gave them
back to Larry. The next Christmas, Larry compressed the pants into a
7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Roy.

Not to be outdone, the next year Roy put the pants into a 2-foot-square
crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave
the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But
they were as careful as they were clever.

Larry had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a
20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Roy, who broke the glass,
recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and
soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with
concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Larry the following
Christmas. Two years ago, Larry installed the pants in a 225-pound
homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Roy's
name on the side. Roy had some trouble retrieving the treasured trousers
but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, Roy found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc.
in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and
green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe
was then shipped to Larry, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet
in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of
Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with
95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car
advised Roy that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will
take some planning," Roy said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm
confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover
the bothersome britches.

"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."

_____________

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house

I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse

Instructions were studied and we were inspired,

_______________________________________________________________

And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, "A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

_____________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

Holidays

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had alI I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles "The egg nog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
says, "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet?"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
and screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh darn it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!
*********************


>Santa Claus
>North Pole
>Re: Martha Stewart
>Dear Santa:
>I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond
>earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little
>thing, and I want it deeply. I want you to slap Martha Stewart.
>
>Now, hear me out, Santa. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for
>thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious
satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.
>
>Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with
>gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates
>match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're
>tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped
>in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the
>furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce,
>spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even pronounce turmeric, let alone figure
>out what to do with it.
>
>OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with
>all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last
>week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her
>ego. We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's
only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha
>Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it,
>she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow,
noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."
>Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa. That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in
>which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot
>chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The
>coffee maker?
In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes
>adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"?
>And neatly put way, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that
>qualifies as "put away" in my house.
>
>Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.
>"Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts.
>Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy
>about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with
>such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.
>She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90's" and
>says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to
iron a monogram, how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: get new friends. Glamorous friends fly
>to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping
>champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering
>satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their
>days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that
>Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time
>magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou,
>no doubt) The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed
>peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an
>instant, they were all gone."I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home
>told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs, to pick
>fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected
>about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands.
>Teaching the dogs to rollerblade! What a show off. If you think the dogs
>are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend
>all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket
>change, really. Just $5,000. But what price a friendship, right? When asked
>if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this
>because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should
>listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once
>the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an
>overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your
>standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha
>declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people
>organize their sad, tacky little lives.
>
>There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good
>smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I'll bet you won't deliver the gift FOR ME this year, will you? You probably want to smack her yourself.
>

**********
Christmas
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons
at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on
the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go
ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named
Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic
clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I
was to get started.

Day 1.

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this
week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it
when I arrived at the health club, and Tanya was waiting for me. She's
something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile.
She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on
the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think
just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I
did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding
it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2.

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya
had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air.
Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake. Legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all
worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that
I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long
as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a
little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other
club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster.
Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise
would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4.

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes.She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment, she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5.

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my
body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would
be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya,
I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6.

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am.
I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the weather channel.

Day 7.

Well, that's the week. Thank G-d that's over. Maybe next time my wife
will give me something a little more fun, like a free upper-colon exam or
free teeth drilling at the dentist's.
######################################

HOLIDAY

Reindeer Bulletin
Item Subject: Fwd: Urgent: Famous Reindeer Terminated!
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected totake the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a gooddeal of concern about whether they will bereplaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining is due to the
North Pole's loss of dominance of theseason's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues
have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and
permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese
sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction inreindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold,but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph
"a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and takenout of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.

Item Subject: Fwd: Urgent: Effective immediately, the following economy
measures are to take placein the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted.It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance; The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated; The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification
into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order; The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.
Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one; The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement; As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with
no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps; Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line; We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's
association seeking expansion to include the legal profession "thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to
stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request anagement to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays!

***************