Directory Of Humor

FOREIGN  LANGUAGE, COUNTRY & CULTURE JOKES 

The following are signs that actually exist at the given location.

Bucharest Hotel Lobby - "The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time you will be unbearable."

Leipzig elevator - "Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up"

Belgrade elevator - "To move the cabin, push forward for wishing floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number for a wishing floor.  Driving is then going alphabetically by national order"

Paris elevator - "Please leave your values at the front desk."

Athenian hotel - "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of ..."

Moscow Hotel - "You are invited to visit the cemetery where famous Soviet composers, authors and artists are buried daily except Thursday."

Austrian ski hotel - "Do not perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

Swiss menu - "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Polish menu - "Salad of firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

Hong Kong dress shop - "Ladies have fits upstairs."

Rhodes tailor shop - "Order your summer suit because it is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Germany's Black Forest - "It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married together for that reason."

Swedish furrier - "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

Japanese detour sign - "Stop: Drive sideways."

Swiss mountain inn - "Special today - no ice cream."

Copenhagen airline office - "We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Budapest zoo - "Please do not feed the animals.  If you have suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Acapulco hotel - "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

Japanese air conditioner - "Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

Tokyo car rental firm - "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour."

Norwegian cocktail bar - "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar"
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THE FRENCH -  JUST ONE  STORY OF MANY
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well   dressedmiddle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary American traveller asked, "Ma'am, could you please move your dog,   I need that seat."
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said,  "You Americans.  You're are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my  little FiFi needs that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.  Again he asked, "Please, lady.  May I sit there? I'm very tired and it's the only seat." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"  The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.  The woman shrieked and railed. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing... You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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FRANCE

The following advice for American travelers going to France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and Eurodisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many will speak English if shouted at. Watch your money at all times.

The People

France has a population of 57 million people. 52 million of these drink and smoke (the other 5 million are small children). All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many of them are  communists. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michelle, and they kiss each other when they meet. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier recognition.  

Safety  

In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers must be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future German invasions.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.  

Government  

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love administration so for government purposes the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower, though confusingly they are both on the ground floor, and whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the traveler.  Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain.  According to the most current American State department intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent, although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.  

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines,tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph as if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into Exile Days,17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish" Days.

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it was not inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.

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Ah Tink Yu Fa Ni! ~~~

Learn Chinese In Five Minutes!!!!!!

English Phrase (View in fixed-width [courier]

Chinese Interpretation font to have columns line up.)

He's cleaning his automobile. This is a tow away zone.

Wa Shing Ka. No Pah King.

Is there a fugitive here? Small Horse

Hu Yu Hai Ding? Tai Ni Po Ni.

Your price is too high!!! Did you go to the beach?

No Bai Nut Ding!!!! Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. It's very dark in here.

Ai Bang Mai Ni. Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? I thought you were on a diet.

Hao Long Wei Ting? Wai Yu Mun Ching?

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