SINGLE
BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl
who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and
fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home
from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.
( Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about
an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.)
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably
raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's
probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave
the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT
__________________________________________
A Woman bought a very limp parrot into a Veterinary Hospital. As she laid her
pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his Stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm
so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The
Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments
later with beautiful Black Labrador.
As the Bird's Owner looked on in amazement, The Dog stood on
his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead
parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his
head.
The Vet led the Dog out but returned a few moments later with
a Cat. The Cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the Ex-Bird. The Cat sat
back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but
like I said, your Parrot is most definitely, 100%, certifiably ... Dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced bill which
he handed to the Woman.
The Parrot's Owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my Bird is Dead?!"
The Vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the
bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.......
What did you expect?
__________________________
Newer Breeds
~ Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a
traditional Christmas pet
~ Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
~ Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
~ Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
~ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog
fresh and clean as a whistle
~ Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the
choice of research scientists
~ Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial
advisors
~ Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
~ Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly
~ Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter
anyway
~ Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
______________________________________________
A Dog's Little Book on " Lessons of Life "....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...
run
right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
If what you want what lies buried, keep digging until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
Bond with your pack.
_________________________
DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it doesn't taste good, it's yours.
_________________________
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Both fart shamelessly.
8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
9. Both like dominance games.
10. Both are suspicious of the postman.
11. Neither understands what you see in cats.
_______________________________
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh
at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. Dogs understand what "no" means.
10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
_____________________________________
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
________________________________
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel
by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility
(as soon as you're dragged out
from under the bed).
7. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
_____________________
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and
the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman says to his friend,
"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy
with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with
us." The buddy with the Doberman says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of
dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says,
"Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman says,
"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer says,
"A Doberman?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very
good." The man at the door says, "Come on in." The buddy with the
Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark
glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no
pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer at the door says, "A
Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave
me a Chihuahua?!"
____________________________________
Thought for today...
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help, if you can relax without
alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!
