Directory Of Humor

DOCTOR JOKES

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"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline Voice Mail System." 
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. 
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5,  and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. 
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. 
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. Please stay calm and hang up.  
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. 
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. 
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, 
your mother's maiden name and the reason for your call.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y  press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. 
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. 
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."
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Top 10 signs you've joined a cheap HMO:

 10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

 9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

 8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

 5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

 2. With your last HMO, your heart pills didn't come in different colors  with little "M"'s on them.

 And The Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO....

 1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

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HMOS

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So signed up for evening classes. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she

called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also

worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

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A woman called her doctor about her husband snoring. The doctor told her "There is one operation I can perform that will cure  your husband, but it is  expensive. It will cost $900 down, and payments of $350 for 24 months, plus small amounts for a few extras here & there" "Whoa!" the woman replied, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?" ...**

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    When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new  wing at a hospital:
The allergists voted to scratch it; the dermatologists preferred no rash moves; the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it; the microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein; the neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of nerve"; the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception; the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the orthopedists issued a joint resolution; the parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst"; the pathologists yelled, Over my dead body!";  the pediatricians simply said, "Grow up!"; the proctologists said, "We are already in arrears"; the psychiatrists thought it was madness; the radiologists could see right through this plan ; the internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow; the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter"; the podiatrists thought it was a big step forward; the physiotherapists thought they were being manipulated; the urologists felt the whole scheme wouldn't hold water; the anesthesiologists thought the  idea was a gas; the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no; the audiologists turned deaf ear to the plea and finally, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.  Needless to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't fly!