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The Rules of
Chocolate
If you get melted chocolate
all over your hands,
you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins,
cherries, orange slices
and strawberries all count as fruit,
so eat as many as you want.
The problem:
How to get two pounds of chocolate home
from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate
bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates
can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that
handy?
If you can't eat all your
chocolate, it will keep in
the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate,
what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue,
store your chocolate on top
of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they
will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Money talks. Chocolate
sings.
Chocolate has many
preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.
Why is there no such
organization as
Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because no one wants to quit.
Put eat chocolate at the
top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one
thing done.
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This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the
stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss
AFTERNOON TEA
the rest of the kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping
DINNER
4 bottles of pop
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER:
STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"
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PROPER NUTRITION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system - especially
those green leafy vegetables ( like field grass) . Need
more grain? Eat chicken. And a pork chop can give you 100% of
our recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: Animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements,
so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have some liquid
vegetables
with that "veggie" burger)
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy. ( More cornstarch or flour - once again - added
vegetables)
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -
Good.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Have a cookie... Flour is a veggie!
"When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and
salt."
______________________________________________
The toddler
Diet
Day 1:
Breakfast- One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers; dump the rest
on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly
over your face and clothes.
Lunch- Four crayons (any color) a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk- 3 sips, then spill the rest.
Dinner- A dry stick, 2 pennies, 4 sips of flat diet pop.
Bedtime snack- Toast a piece of bread, butter it, and toss
it face down on the floor.
Day 2:
Breakfast- Pick up stale toast from the floor and eat it.
Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable
dye.
Lunch- Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and one ice cube,
if desired.
Afternoon snack- Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it
outside and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until
clean again, then bring inside and drop on living room carpet.
Dinner- A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up
your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes, eat with
spoon.
Day 3:
Breakfast- 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers,
rub fingers in hair to clean. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff
excess pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays
sucker from carpet, lick off fuzz until sticky again, then leave
on cushion of your best chair.
Lunch- Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several well-chewed
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk onto table, then slurp
up.
Dinner- Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, 1 sip of cold
coffee.
Final Day:
Breakfast- 1/4 tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bite of soap,
one olive. Pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2
cup of sugar. Wait until cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed
cereal to dog with your spoon.
Lunch- Eat crumbs off the kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner- A plate of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball
on plate. Handful of cheese snacks, eat 2 and place the rest in
bowling ball holes or any other convenient hiding place.
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One of life's
mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five
pounds.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes
away.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it
shrinks two sizes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he or she can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say
things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've
forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never
forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind
of stupid to forget to eat.
I read this article that said the typical
symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too
fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a
perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is
that nobody older than 30 can fit into their
stuff.
