1. You just tried to enter your password on the
microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat.
He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
7. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send
her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the
bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.
11. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase is foreign to you.
12. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back
seat of your car.
13. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have
e-mail addresses.
14. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
15. Your dining room table is now your home filing cabinet.
16. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
17. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
18. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
19. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled
the plug on a loved one.
20. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way
back to bed.
22. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
23. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
24. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
25. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen
name and you never bothered to ask.
Virus
You have just received the "Polish Virus" . As we don't
have any
> > experienced programmers, this virus works on the honor system.
> > Please delete all the files on your hard drive, then manually forward
> > this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
> > Thanks for your help.
>
> .... By the way - some have reported difficulty forwarding the virus after
deleting all their files. If you know what the problem might be, please
notify us so we can help others.
Are computers male or female ?
computers should definitely be referred to in the
masculine gender because
>1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
>2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
>3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they
>ARE the problem.
>4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
>little longer, you could have had a better model.
>
computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender
because:
>1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
>2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
>incomprehensible to everyone else.
>3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later
>retrieval.
>4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half
>your paycheck on accessories for it.
_________________________________
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS
10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your email on the
way back to bed.
9. Your firstborn is named dot com.
8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness,
as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7. You spend half of a plane trip with you laptop in your lap...and your child
in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the
free Internet access.
5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
DRUM ROLL PLEASE........
AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:
1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.
______________________________________
How to Install Love
Customer Service Rep: Yes, Ma'am, how can I help you today? Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install love. Can you guide me through the process?
CS Rep: Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and
RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called
HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly
installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me
how?
CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and
RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.
Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for
the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other
Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should
I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON
INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?
CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means
that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those
complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it
can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent. You're getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC,
REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The
system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any programming. Also, you need to delete
VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and
it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?
CS Rep: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time.
So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go.
Customer: Yes?
CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various
modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules
back to you.
Customer: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what's your name?
CS Rep: You can call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as The Great Physician, but most call me God. Most people feel
all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer (Me) suggests a schedule of daily maintenance
for maximum efficiency. Put another way ... keep in touch.
_____________________________________________
COMPUTER HELPLINE
Question:
Last year, I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In
addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as
Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
Also, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as
MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my
system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on
this program. Can you help me? J.F. Phila Pa
Dear J.F.
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife
1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to
uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go
back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to
install Girlfriend 2.0 or Girlfriend 2.5 but end up with more problems than original
system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep
Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). From that
you will see that it is clear you must assume all responsibility for faults and problems
that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button as soon as
lockup occurs. System willrun smoothly as long as you accept blame for all
GPFs.
Some have had far greater problems by persisting in trying to install other
programs. They have also found that apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of
Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. The two versions of Girlfriend
seem to have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Further, when Girlfriend programs
are installed, Wife 1.0 may delete all MSMoney files and may actually even uninstall
completely by itself - Girlfriend 1.0 and Girlfriend 2.0 will also frequently refuse to
install correctly right after that, claiming insufficient resources. Some have tried to
avoid these hazards by installing Girlfriend 1.0 or Mistress 1.1 on a different system
altogether and never running any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. But this
too, can cause unexpected problems, as many versions of both Girlfriend and Mistress have
been known to carry viruses with the ability to crash your whole system .
All in all, it should be concluded that to avoid most problems just running
Wife 1.0 is the best alternative - despite very high maintenance, it's a great program !!!
PS:
It has long been noted that system performance of Wife 1.0 seems to diminish
over time , leaving some to wish for an install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be
installed with the option to uninstall at anytime and without the loss of cache and other
system resources. Another desirable feature would be the option to run the network driver
in promiscuous mode, which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more
useful.
______________________________________
similar version
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a
primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However,
Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as
few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and
return
to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to
emulate
Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the
system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per
year, as Husband 1.0 is subject to severe memory limitations. Error messages
are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of
their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications
to work,
some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However,
these
women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You
will notice
that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I
recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and
illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest
you
read the entire section regarding GeneralPartnershipFaults [GPFs]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as
an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL
responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To
activate this great feature enter the command
"C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering this command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional
and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a
"C:\ I APOLOGIZE"
command before the system will return to normal operations. Over use can also
cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly
files
and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some
trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs,
but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the
applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does
have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider
buying
additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood
3.0,
Lingerie 5.3, and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction,
these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After
several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many
valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and
BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw
1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown
of
the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2
until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. Hope these notes have helped. Thank you
for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the
best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this
product!
___________________
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
WASHINGTON, D.C.-The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena
announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes
them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that
shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called,
apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie
recipes, e-mail viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.
"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone", reported one
weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends
forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."
Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I
just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the
mail header, so I thought the virus must be true".
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include
the following: -- The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking. -- The
urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others. -- A lack of desire to take a
minute or two to ponder the possible incongruity.
To aid victims, courses in critical thinking should be reccommended. Further, everyone
who receives this message should forward it to at least 30 of their closest friends or
relatives to innoculate them against the gullibility virus.
For more on the subject, send them the following as well !
-- Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at
http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html
-- Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html
-- McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at http://www.nai.com/vinfo/hoax.asp
-- Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/vanalyse/va005.html
-- The Urban Legends Web Site at http://www.urbanlegends.com
-- Urban Legends Reference Pages at http://www.snopes.com
-- Datafellows Hoax Warnings at http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm
______________________________________________
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribedfrom a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say
the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect Organization for "termination without cause."(Actual dialogue of a former Word
Perfect Support employee.)
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Wordperfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank: it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Wordperfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not
just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and telll me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer,"
"I can't reach it."
Uh huh. Well, can you see it?"
"No."
"Even if you put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark.
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't"
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power failure..... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you bought it. Then take it back to the store where you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you are too stupid to own a computer."
_________________________________________
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."
- Farmers' Almanac, 1978
_________________________________________
~ He who laughs last probably made a back-up
_____________________________________________
~ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
____________________________________________
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash
twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just
accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or
"CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as
fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the highways.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "General Car Default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse
to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab
hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road
maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting
to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or
more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive
all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old
car.
13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.
****************
Computers
It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session
>> that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their
>> finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.
>>
>> At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and
>> bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from
>> the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
>>
>> The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again.
>> "Hmmm.," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no
time."
>>
>> He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He
>> pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and
>> fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there
>> in the dust.
>>
>> "Yep, it's working," he concluded.
>>
>> The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle
>> is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just
>> fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
>>
**************************************************
Computers
E-MAIL ENVY ( or 11 reasons your e-mail is like a penis)
1. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
3. Those who don't have it think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about
it.
4. It's more fun when it's up.
5. When it IS up, it's hard to get any real work done.
6. Formerly its only purpose was to transmit information
vital to the survival of the species, but today it is used mostly for fun.
7. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence
warrant.
10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST ......
11.If you play with it too much, you go blind....
***************************************
Psychological Disorders with Computer Assisted Manifestation
Arachnophobia ........................ Extreme fear of Web sites
Binge-eating disorder ............... Chooses everything from the menu at once
Bulimia nervosa ....................... Booting and rebooting
Cocaine addicted ......................Always getting directly online
Delusions of grandeur .............. Wants to be an icon
Depressed.. .............................. System is down
Exhibitionist ............................Likes to open Macintosh in front of others
Impotent.................................. Only has floppy disk
Male orgasmic disorder.............. Hard drive problem
Multiple personality disorder......Has too many screen names
Manipulator. .............................Continually presses "Control Key
Pathological liar .......................Never uses fax (just fiction)
Rodentophobic ........................ Anxiety about using mouse
Claustrophobic..... .................... Constantly presses Escape key
Voyeuristic............................... Attracted to Windows
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
******************************
COMPUTER VIRUS
There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet.If you receive an e-mail
message with the subject line of either "Good News", "Free Money" or
"Irina", DO NOT read the message. DELETE it
immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic
waste disposal INCINERATOR.
Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile
ODOR, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike.
Some filthy, low-down, good-for -nothing DIRTY SNAKE,
is sending this virus across the Net via an e-mail variously entitled "Free
Money", "Good News", or "Irina". What is so terrifying about this
virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you
do not even need to RECEIVE the e-mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. These
viruses can infect even minor
HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES. How it does this with straight ASCII code is, franky, a matter of
some debate... but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS
situation, we wouldn't be discussing it in ALL CAPS.
So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim
to care about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it later!
Do it NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW!
*********
COMPUTER VIRUSES from bc
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
WASHINGTON, D.C.-The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena
announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes
them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that
shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called,
apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie
recipes, e-mail viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.
"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone", reported one weeping
victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to
me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."
Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just
accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail
header, so I thought the virus must be true".
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include
the following: -- The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking. -- The
urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others. -- A lack of desire to take a
minute or two to ponder the possible incongruity.
To aid victims, courses in critical thinking should be reccommended. Further, everyone who
receives this message should forward it to at least 30 of their closest friends or
relatives to innoculate them against the gullibility virus.
For more on the subject, send them the following as well !
-- Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html
-- Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html
-- The Urban Legends Web Site at http://www.urbanlegends.com
-- Urban Legends Reference Pages at http://www.snopes.com
-- Datafellows Hoax Warnings at http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm
-----------
COMPUTERS
COMPUTER SOFTWARE HELPLINE
Question:
Last year, I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In
addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as
Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I
can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?
J.F. Phila Pa
Dear J.F.
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0with the idea that Wife
1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" programme. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is
impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You
can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have
tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Girlfriend 2.5 but end up with more problems than
original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed
myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection
Faults (GPFs). From that you will see that it is clear you must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be
to push apologize button as soon as lockup occurs. System willrun smoothly as long
as you accept blame for all GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is actually great program but is very high
maintenance.
__________________
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software
severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In
addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner
Dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.31 SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf
2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Unfortunately, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the
system. Under no circumstances will it run DrapeHanging 14.1 or
HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but
this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness and has on occasion
evoked the dreaded BSOD (Blue Screen of Death). Can you help?
Signed, Jane
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to
a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband
1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 Is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator
to run as few applications as possible. It is definitely not designed for
multi-tasking. Further, you cannot simply purge Husband 1.0 from your
system and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to
do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend
5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the
system, once installed. Any modification program files can only be installed
once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory and cannot readily
accept new information or changes. Error messages are common, and a normal
part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite
applications, or
to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend
6.0 or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than
encountered with Husband 1.0. (Look in your manual under
"Warnings:Divorce/Resource Allocation.") You will notice that
trying to
install either of these programs (both of which, by the way, come
pre-bundled with HeartBreak 1.3) will result in poor system performance,
system conflict, and possible virus infection. I recommend you keep Husband
1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company
as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL
responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.
To activate this great feature enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. Husband 1.0 will then run efficiently for a few
weeks before you start to notice repeat problems.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature.
Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may
have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to
GrumpySilence 2.5 or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is an extremely
disagreeable program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and
wave files LoudSnore and NoxiousGas. All of these files are very hard to
delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just
remember: Husband 1.0 will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs,
but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run the
applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but is
plagued with memory and performance problems.
Consider buying additional software to enhance its functionality. I
personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, Patience 10.1, and
Appreciation 2.5. If you keep these utilities running in the background
ready to be called when needed, Husband 1.0 will experience fewer system
interrupts, crashes, and lockups. You will also notice after several years
of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable
embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and
BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, try to install
HisMotherlnLaw 1.0 as a resident program, even temporarily. This is not a
supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating
system due to high incompatibility issues. Until HisMotherInLaw 1.0 is
uninstalled, Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband
1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
>>> LEL 12/16/00 09:24AM >>>
A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw a picture illustrating a
Bible story. One paper handed in contained a picture of a big car. An old
man with long whiskers flying in the breeze was driving. A man and woman
were in the backseat. Puzzled, the teacher asked little Jimmy to explain
his drawing. "Why that is God. He's driving Adam and Eve out of the
Garden
of Eden."
___________________
VIRUSES
1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very
jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
4. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
6. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.
8. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
9. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
10. Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to
300MB.
11. AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
12. MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T
virus.
13. Politically Correct Virus Never calls itself a "virus,"
but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
14. Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing
quits.
15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
16. Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of
your computer.
18. Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
19. Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on
each half blaming the other side for the problem.
20. Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the
user to accomplish anything.
21. Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
22. PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.
24. LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them
in "self-defense."
25. O.J. Virus It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete
two
of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
**************
COMPUTER LINGO
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I
bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a
computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced
"gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at
home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
from BC to car
********
Computers
YESTERDAY, the song!
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a millstone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I thought my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
*********
COMPUTER PRAYER
Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
and lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus,
For ever and ever,
Amen.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
COMPUTER JOKES
>How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
How many hardware people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None . That's a software problem
>How may computer consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but when he does , the whole building will probably fall
down.
How may computer consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
>Q: How many hardware specialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a new feature.
>How many compugeeks does it take to screw in a lightbulb -
a) two - but they have to be very, very tiny to fit in the bulb
COMPUTER WISDOM
>Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
>My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
>The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
>Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
>C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
>Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
>Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
>File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
>Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
>Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
>Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
>Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk???
>All computers wait at the same speed.
>DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed
and automate your errors.
>Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
>Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
>ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
>Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
>Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
>Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
>Read my chips: No new upgrades!
>I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
>Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
>If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must
be the process of putting them in.
>Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
>Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing
with inanimate objects.
>Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be
hard to understand.
>Daddy Why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
COMPUTER SPELL CHECKER SUMMARY - a po-em
Thee spell checker on my computer tells one if there are any airs
I'm sew glad two have this convenience , I fill bettor because it is their
Wee ring are hands when we're worried are spelling may knot bee write
Though Webster wood tern in his grave to no we our knot so bright
Seams the old-fashioned dictionary showed awl the words clear & clean
Sew what wood wee due without it, to sea if words say what wee mean
_______________________
TECH SUPPORT
Q Hello Tech support - I need help A Shoot
Q: My screen has all of these funny lines all over it. A: Just pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn it off? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting ? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document ? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save a document? A: Don't shake it.
Q : You know - this is really the worst Tech Support I've ever had - I want to talk to
an XYZ Computer MANAGER!!!!!!! A: XYZ Computer - why ?
Q: Well isn't this XYZ Computer Tech support? A: Heck no buddy - this is Etch A Sketch parts & repair.
_________________________________________
*Lost Balloon*
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further
and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I
am?" The man below says: "yes you're in a hot
air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you
know?" "Well" says the balloonist,
"everything you have told me is technically correct,
but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in Management". "I
do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well",
says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going,
but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position
you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
______________________________________________
light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
bulbs.
discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
technique, and what brands are faulty.
URLs.
list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
