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CAT
JOKES
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably
raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's
probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave
the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT
A Woman bought a very limp parrot into a Veterinary Hospital. As she
laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his Stethoscope and listened
to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't
done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something." The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the
room returning a few moments later with beautiful Black Labrador.
As the Bird's Owner looked on in amazement, The Dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead
parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The Vet led the Dog out but returned a few moments later with a Cat.
The Cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the Ex-Bird. The Cat sat
back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said,
your Parrot is most definitely, 100%, certifiably ... Dead." He then
turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced bill which he
handed to the Woman.
The Parrot's Owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried. "$150 just to tell me my Bird is Dead?!"
The Vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would
only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.......
What did you expect?
______________________________________________
A newly discovered
chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to"Where do pets
come from?".....
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us." .........
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so you will
love me even when you cannot see me.........Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are
and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." ..... And God created a
new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it
was a good animal...................And God was pleased..................And the
new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. ....
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." ......And
God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call
him DOG." ...........
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them....... And they were comforted. ......... And God was pleased. .......
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "Then I will create for them a companion who will be with
them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them
of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration." ...........
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. ........
And Cat would not obey them. ...........
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that
they were not the supreme beings.............. And Adam and Eve learned
humility. ...........And they were greatly improved. ........... And God was
pleased. ..................
And Dog was happy.................And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the
other.
____________________________
CATS
& TEENAGERS
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their
heads when you
call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough.
Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to
compensate for the privilege of waiting on them
hand
and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with
an adult human being, and it can be safely said
that no
teenager in his or her right mind wants to be
seen in
public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your
cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for
hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they
did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner,
communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a
sense of
complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been
known to return in the middle of the night to
deposit a dead
animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above
that sort of
behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are
not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to
keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above
all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their
direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to
you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant
moment for all concerned.
_____________________________________________
Cat Philosophy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"One cat just leads to another." Ernest Hemingway
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." Ellen Perry Berkeley
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered
from insomnia." Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." Hippolyte Taine Beth --
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to
wecome me." Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit."
______________________________________________
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