Directory Of Humor

AGING  JOKES

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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to "bump" into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. 
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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." 
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FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." 
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" I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." 
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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Super sex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Super sex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." 

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ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" 
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can kiss me right now!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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 OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" 
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SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" 

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DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself   "I must be losing it. I could've sworn we just went through a red light."   After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?" You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?" 

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Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: 
 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
 6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
 7. If all is not lost, where is it?
 8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
 9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
 10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
 11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
 12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
 13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
 14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
 15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
 16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
 20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
 21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
 23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
 24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen... I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! .

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Some of the artist from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us......good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes.......

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"

Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"

Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

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*Hearing Problems*

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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The Love Dress 

A woman decided to surprise her husband  when he came home from work .
She got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.  Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.  "What in the world are you doing?" he asked. 
"This is my love dress" she replied.  "Needs ironing...What's for supper?" 

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 GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

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 THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

 3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

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SUCCESS:

 At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

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THE OLD LADY 

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my
house.

I have no idea where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did
not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the
next day, she was.

She is a clever old lady, and manages to keep out of sight for the most
part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And
whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is
hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and
body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her, but she just
screams back.

If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay
part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill
stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but
it is not nearly enough.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money
from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later it's
all gone. I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only
conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend
some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. She needs it. And money isn't
the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an
alarming rate - especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and
candy. I can't seem to keep that stuff in the house anymore. She must
have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is
really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make
herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I
am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games,
like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so
they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find
anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and
organized. She also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I
have carefully and correctly programmed.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail,
newspapers, and magazines before I do, and blurs the print so I can't
read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume
controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and
whispers.

She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum
cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even
made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real
challenge. Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put
them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me
to open the jars. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something
on, she stands in front of the mirror and monopolizes it. She looks
totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from
seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong.
She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's
license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of
me! No one is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me.
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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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 Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
If all is not lost, where is it?
 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
 I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
 It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
 These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
 I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR NOT.
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The Conspiracy

Have you ever noticed that when you're over the hill,
everything seems uphill from where you are??
Stairs are steeper.   Groceries are heavier.
And everything is farther away.
Yesterday I walked to the corner and was dumbfounded
to discover how long our street had become.   And that's not all.
People are less considerate now, especially the young ones.
They speak in whispers all the time, and if you ask them to speak up,
they just repeat themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent
message until they're red in the face and exhausted.
What do they think I am, a lip reader??
Goodness sakes, they are so much younger than they used to be
when I was their age!
On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.
I ran into an old classmate the other day, and she has aged so much
that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection
. . .REALLY NOW . . .
they don't even make mirrors like they used to!
And everyone drives so fast today . . . you're risking life and limb
if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.
All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast,
the way I see them screech and swerve in my rearview mirror.
Even clothing manufacturers are becoming less civilized these days.
Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 6 dress as a 12?
Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom??   And too, the fabric in dresses and
slacks is so skimpy these days (especially around the hips and waist),
that it's almost impossible to reach my shoelaces!
The sizes just don't run the way they used to.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank,
but in reverse.   Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see
on that dial???   HA!!   I would never let myself weigh that much!
Just whom do these people think they're fooling??
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on .. .
.
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too.
They've printed the phonebooks in such small type that no one could
ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning:
Maturity is under attack!   Unless something drastic happens,
pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.

 

BFS 

I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with this condition.  The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure. This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed. However, now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't. Most likely they, too, have a touch of BFS ..... 'But First Syndrome'. Here are the symptoms —  I decide to do the laundry. I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry..... BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack..... BUT FIRST I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, now where's the checkbook? Oops...there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that check book..... BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...... BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. Head for the door and.....Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the plants....BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.
END of Day:
Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost and the cat ate the remote control.... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled because.......
I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!! I realize this condition is serious....... I'd get help........ BUT FIRST...... I think.....I'll check my e-mail!! 
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> Life's a test -- and you're graded on a curve
> At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
> At age 12, success is...having friends.
> At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
> At age 20, success is...having sex.
> At age 35, success is...having money.
> At age 50, success is...having money.
> At age 60, success is...having sex.
> At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
> At age 75, success is...having friends.
> At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.
>
>_________________________

 The people who are starting college this fall - 2001- across  the nation were born in1983
. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
 They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
 Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the  Great Depression.
 There has been only one Pope.
 They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and  do not remember the Cold War.
 They are too young to remember the space shuttle  blowing up.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
 Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression you sound like a broken record means  nothing to them.They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
 They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
 They have always had an answering machine.
 Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels,nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
 There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
 They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
 They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me,I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
 They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
 Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
 They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
 They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
 They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea whoJ.R. is.
 The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
 Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
NOW do you feel old ?
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25 signs that you are grown up... 1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You carry an umbrella cuz you watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.' 10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12.You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. 17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.' 21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you. 
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You know you're getting older when:

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both." 
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 
A sexy babe catches your fancy and makes your pacemaker open the garage door. 
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 
 "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today. 
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee! 
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Your back goes out, but you stay home.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
You sink your teeth into a steak --- and they stay there.
Of the two invitations to go out on the same night, you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
You can buy a compass for the dash of your car and not be embarrassed .
You can eat dinner at 4:00
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You send money to PBS.
You sing along with the elevator music.
When you talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and  discover you aren't wearing any.
 At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
 When happy hour is a nap.
 When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
 When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
 Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
 You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
 You're not a kid anymore when ...
 You're asleep but others worry that you're dead.
 You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
The pharmacy gives you a volume discount.
You are proud of your lawnmower.
People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"
Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu.
Nobody ever tells you to slow down.
You make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You have to get a fire permit to light your birthday candles.
You're always asked to say the blessing.
You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice.
Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamucil.

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BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
No one expects you to run into a burning building
Things you buy now won't wear out.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

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Baby Boomers: The '60s vs. the '90s.

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot belly.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"

Paid for by the committee to re-elect Alan Bell as President of the 128th class of Northeast High School and by Pfizer, the maker of Viagra (tm)
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TOP  PARTY GAMES FOR SOMEONE OVER THE HILL

Musical Recliners
Sag, You're It!
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
20 Questions (Shouted into your Good Ear)
Kick the Bucket.
Doc, Doc Goose
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Hide and Go Pee
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

 

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HOW OLD ARE YOU ?

We have a really interesting way of looking a the aging process. If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half ....you're four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number."How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually. Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!! Then you turn 30. Wha thappened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30. Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30;You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday... You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas."Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there.... Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

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One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This
morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't
remember whether I had just come up or was about to go
down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad?  The other day,
I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember
whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly.  "Well, my memory's just as
good as it's always been, knock on wood."  She raps the
table.  With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's
there?"

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A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

"They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.
They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it.  He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
My Grandma says  I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I am, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
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While on the campaign trail- I hear the President  visited this place.  When he met Mary here, he said "do you know who I am.  Mary
said no, sweetie, but if you go to the desk they'll tell you.

  Sal in the nursing home told Abby he forgot how old he was.  Abby said no problem, I can tell you.  You can? he says Sure Drop your pants (he does) Unders too .  He does.  Your're 94.  Wow that's amazing how'd you do that.   You told me yesterday .

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Old postmen never die, they just lose their zip

Old golfers never die, they just lose their balls

Old .....